forever changing
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2003-04-06 06:09:21 (UTC)

with arms open and eyes closed

i don't really have anything to say because i really didn't
do much today. i got up around 11, ate some breakfast,
tessa and dan called, i took a shower, e-mailed a few
people, then got ready and went to work, came home watched
a movie with my lil brotherand now my dad is watching 8
mile so i gat onlive because i don't really want to watch
it. mmmmmmmmmm riz bits cheese sandwiches are yummy.
hmmmmmmmmmmmmm i feel like just writing about life in
general but i am afraid i will just repeat myself oh well
so what if i do who cares. . .
well that is my main theory onlife at the moment, to
elaborate a little: life is like a game of jenga as soon as
you think it's balanced someone takes the peice from the
hmm lalalala matt hasn't written me back yet i know it has
only been one day since i wrote him that e-mail and i don't
even know if i expect him to write back at all, but i hope
he does i just want to know that he got it and i do want to
know if he loved me if not i don't know if i would ever be
able to beleive any guy who might tell me they love me just
because i beleived matt so much i would have been
comfortable putting my life in his hands because i felt
that he loved me and he would be there for me. i could
actually see myself with him in the future which scared me
just because i have never been able to see myself with
anyone in the future, i have never even been able to see
myself in the future other than when i thought i was goin
to grow old and live in a house with thousands of stay cats
and call them my children. (i was very unattractive last
year, and i still think i am but i also lacked even more
self esteam than i do now) i actually beleived that i would
die lonely and with constant meows ringing in my ears but
now i realize that even if i am lonely i couldn't stand to
have that many animals around. each time i seem to feel
like i am close to finding love somethng happens and what
really sucks this time was it was the first time i was not
afraid. i was welcoming love with open arms but now i see
my arms were open because my eyes were shut and i didn't
see the caustion signs i had looked for every time before.
(hmm i think i just might use that open arms closed eyes
thing in a poem later i like it)
i wish i was back at square one sometimes. before all the
stuff in my life happened, complete innocence, loss of
innocence is nothing more than the gain of knowledge, if
only i could go back before all the tears, all the drugs,
all the fights, all the screaming peircing my ears, the
flashing police lights. the storm of my life
if only my childhood had been different would i still be
the same would i feel so much pain everytime i close my
eyes? would i stuggle so hard to feel loved? and then fear
to actually let myself love?
hmm if my life had started differently would it be any more
worth living than it is now i guess it is worth living now
because i do have my friends, i have ashley and david and
all the others, if nothing else i will have their love, the
love of a friend is all i need because that love is the
shoulder to cry on when all other "loves" are lost or
simply walk away, that is the love that is unbending, i am
closer to my friends than i am to a lot of my family i am
not sure exactly why but i am and i thank my friends for
beingthere for me. don't get me wrong i love my family i
really do but i just can't talk to them i can't tell them
all the things i feel inside because mainly if i do my mom
would probably send me to a theapist and then she would be
worried about me even more than normal and i would end up
being monitored and my mom would be afraid i was goin to do
somthing drastic, i never would, i have thought about it,
not much or in much detail just a few times (very few) i
have jsut thought why live, but then i think why die there
is still tiem for it to get better. things could get better
and wouldn't it be better to end on a high note at the top
and rest in peice rather than die i turmoil and roll over
in your grave with greif and dispair. not to mention allthe
pain it causes all the people who love you and would not
know what to do with out you would you really want to be
the reason for their not wanting to live anymore, sorry i
started to preach or some shit i dunno i think i am goin to
go now i have been typin for quite some time and my nana is
worried i am goin to get carpul tunnel or something like
that. heh funny
enough of my ramblings for now

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