random scribbles
2003-04-05 12:02:35 (UTC)

its like choking

[music - f.a.t.a]
[mood - furious]

hmm my last entry was more than a little humiliating, but
hell i'll leave it as it is because its good to be able to
laugh at yourself.

last night was... very, very random indeed. a lot of people
from our year were going to the flask (pub near our school)
for a kind of end of term party. somehow i agreed to let
myself be dragged along, but when we got there it was
pretty shit so a bunch of us went to caffe uno for dinner.
i was for some reason exceedingly depressed; ok the reason
is obvious, because billy wasnt there, but never mind; so
nudge, punkanna and i sat up one end of the table and drunk
a lot of wine. rosa turned up and sat with us, i love
hanging out with her SO much. she is hilarious... really
one of the funniest, sharpest, most genuine people i've
come across.

once we'd eaten we headed down to another pub and then
finally to a third. highgate is probably one of the most
boring places in london, and we managed to exhaust pretty
much every possibility of a good time. though it was
amusing sitting in the rose crown with helena, her
boyfriend and tammie. i think nudge i were both in a
state of complete drunkeness and rambling madly, but thats

when we got out bayan phoned nudge and it turned out he was
at guy's. we headed on our way there. guys house is
INCREDIBLE, but even more amazing was his dad! i went into
the kitchen and he was rolling up with alex and andrew.
seemed totally unfazed by our arrival and was offering me

me and nudge sat outside with the boys and got fairly
stoned. it was freezing so ended up sorta unconscious on
the sofa watching not another teen movie, which i
surprisingly really enjoyed - perhaps due to my chemically
altered state of mind?

eventually we made it home, that is to nudges. the whole
way back she was ranting about how much she cant stand
bayan... and i can see why he'd annoy you if you knew him
as well as she does... but guy and his house rocks. so i
guess that was a good end to a sorta shitty evening.

ummm but now i am not a happy bunny, not at all. i stumbled
through the door this morning to find my dad had taken my
ayusa forms. i phoned him up to see why and he just started
telling me that it didnt matter because i'd missed the
post - which really fucked me off because i told gill she'd
have them by monday. i then questioned him why he took the
forms anyway and he just started shouting at me and then
hung up the phone.

i swear, if he fucks this up for me, i will hold a long,
long grudge. argh. i also left a message on alana's phone
last night >> "i'm really sorry for the way things have
gone... i never meant this to happen... i hope you will
forgive me... i dont want to leave school in 2 months
without saying goodbye..."

i think i do mean that stuff. i felt sort of guilty about
everything with alana, anyway, and its better when i dont
see her, cause when i see her she gives me the dirtiest
looks and it just reaffirms my anger. but. ummm lucy is
still nothing but a traitor. and i dont care if this is
just a small part of the larger 'negative attitude'
problem, because thats bullshit.

your friends should always come first, thats always the way
ive treated her, and excuse me if i should hope for the
same respect.

angry, angry. angry me. and today punkanna's gone to yoda#s
loft so we cant go shoe shopping, i think retail therapy
would be good, but i cant go anyway because my dad decided
not to leave money. im not mad about that. im just mad. and
ive got nothing to do, which reminds me that i should be

anyway... more than enough rambling for one day, i feel.