Ad 0:
2003-04-04 23:09:44 (UTC)

i dont belong here...

My mood has only declined. somewhat like the way blood
flows off an open wound. i feel like a wounded animal.
bleeding to death. my emotions are uncontolable, i feel
like everything inside of me has been consumed by despair
and sorrow. i cant explain it to anyone, it's just so
weird, my mind is set on making everything miserable and i
am just along for the ride. everything time i attempt to
make things go better, something will come up and it's
ruined. i fall deeper into the abyss of nothingness. i
want to do something, anything so bad that i just sit here
and do nothing. i'm the biggest loser ever. those "nerds"
that do all their school work like weeks in advance and
play computer games and watch star trek and shit, they
have more fun. why do people pick on them anyways. so they
have fun in different ways, who gives a fuck. if you like
doing something, then do it, you shouldn't be ridiculed
for it. at least they have something to do most of the
time, where he i sit at my computer at 6 o clock on a
FRIDAY NIGHT doing absolutel nothing. to make myself seem
even more pathetic, i'm wearing shoes, fully dressed ready
to go as if i'm waiting for someone to come to the door to
rescue me from my boredom. sure, i denied some offers of
things to do tonight, becuase i wanted to get fucked up on
something, i dont care what, but something, i want to
escape this hell hole of a reality and feel free from all
the restraints of life. i want to just let everything go
and chill with people i consider friends, anything but sit
here alone, sober, thinking of myself, doing nothing but
waste air. so as i wait for something to come up, i write.
not about anything in particular, i'm just so bored that
i'm writing whatever comes to mind. lately i've been
hallucinating alot..it's weird, haven't done anything to
make me hallucinate but i do. it's cool, since i'm so
lathargic, but sometimes i cant comprehend what's really
there and what's not. i'm looking at a glass of
water...well it's an empty glass, but i swear it's full of
water...i take a sip, nothing. i look at it, it's full.
it's kind of how i feel inside. i feel full of
whatever...but really i'm just empty and my mind is
realizing that so it's making me act this way. i haven't
eaten that much today, but i feel too down to make food.
me not make food..hah..all i ever do when i'm bored is
eat. now i really thing something's wrong. off the subject
of me for a second. everyone around me seems to be doing
fine, probably enjoying their friday night, but anyways i
am going to go find something to do, i dont care what it
is, but it's going to be not sitting here. i hope you
liked the extra long entry about nothing, i was that

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