neverthesame

forever changing
2003-04-04 21:33:12 (UTC)

snow day!!!!

well it snowed in town last night so i am stuck home in my
wonderfull house where my mother thinks that life is great
mike is just off and my nana is babying my mother because
she is not quite well yet. i found out it was a snow day
after i was already at ashley's this morning (i go over to
her house finish getting ready for school then we go to the
bus) right after i got there my mom called to tell us the
news and i didn't feel like goin home so i stayed there for
a while. it was only about 6:20 so me and ashley layed in
her bed untill about 8:15 falling in and out of sleep and
laughing hysterically at times. it was pretty great. we
called jesse up and talked to him and he was goin to come
over around 11 unfortunately my mom wanted me home by 12 so
she picked me up right before jesse got there. ashley might
be pregnant so she is ghoin to take the home test today i
wanted to be there for her but even if i cant i am glad
that jesse is. and that is pretty much the extent to the
activities today.
yesterday i was talking to david some more and he asked me
what was goin on and got me to spill out all the crap that
has been goin on and then he asked me what is up with pat
and i said nothing, he called tuesday and we talked a lil
thats it. so he tells me that it looked like more than that
at the concert and i told him i was depressed and didn't
know what i was doin then he started acting like an ass
saying that it looked like i enjoyed it and would do it
again and all this crap i was getting so pissed i just said
whatever think what you want an got off. later when i was
talking to him on the phone some how the topic of pat came
up again and he was saying that i liked it and i could not
lie to him so i just told him no i didn't and i wouldn't do
that again and i was sitting there at the concert
thinking "what the hell m i doing this isn't something that
should be doing." then we got off that topic and we were
talking and i do this thing i don't really know how but
when i was with david he got me tyo go to church with him
and my face got really red and hot and it happened a few
times right before and when we were firstr goin out. the
same thing with matt when me and ashley went to meet up
with him and jesse up in town right before we started goin
out and a few times after that when i was with him or would
talk on the phone with him my face would turn red and would
get really warm. last night when i got off the phone with
david i looked in the mirror adn my foce was bright red and
it was burning up and it kinda freaked me out.
i guess i culd tell about two of the dreams i had sunday
night that freaked me out i had about five or six but i can
only remember two.
the first one i was in a gigantic bath tub and everything
was white, or off white. there were little children
clinging to the sides of the tub but playing nicely and
quietly then there was a tall skinny pale woman in a dingy
white under slip and she had frizzy blonde hair that stood
up about two inches then fell to about her shoulders and
really bad teeth and she was splashing me and would not
stop so i tried to truce with her and when sh eshook my
hand she was starting to play with a bar of soap and i knew
she was goin to try to put it in my eyes if i couldn't stop
her. then after we shook hands she started splashing me
again and i said "hey but we truced" and she yelled back in
an almost non human voice "i never said i was sorry" then
attacks me and grabs my head starts rubbing soap in my eyes
as i try to fight her off and she starts screaming "you
have to wash your eyes you have to wash your eyes" i woke
up and my eyes were almost burning when i woke up i could
almost feel the soap in my eyes.
in the second dream i saw matt and he noticed my neck asked
me who did it so i told him a mistake then he asked again
amd i told him pat then he started goin off saying i was
dirty and he was glad that he broke up with me before i
turned into a slut and so on and so forth i just screamed
fruck you matt fuck you for making me love you and leaving
me feeling like this and walked off crying. i woke up
crying.
oh yeah one other dream i just remembered i was at work
bagging grocies i was just dropping things into bags ans
thinking i am too tierd im goin to fall asleep then i
realized that i was just picking up my arms and dropping
them down on the covers an di was asleep
besides that i have just not been able to fall asleep and
then i sleep very light and wake up often leaving me
exhausted and not wanting to wake up in the morning
a have decided that i am just letting go that is what i
need to do and so i am goin to try. i always thought
holding on would be the hard part but now i see that the
hardest part is letting go because i am not quite sure who
or what will be there to catch me at the bottom but oh well
he made a decision and now i have to deal with it and move
on with my life i can't dwell in the past anymore i have to
look forward everything that i have gone through has helped
make me who i am and now this is just something else that
is goin to help shape me. if only i could fully trust that
and move on more quickly but i guess this will just have ot
do. i will be over him some time i know i will . . .
eventually