fionasunshine

Fire Earth Water

What does it mean to love. I was doing that think on lj,
and I didn't know how to answer the "i love:" question. I
have said "i love you" to boys before, though I don't know
what it meant. I still don't know. I just said it
because they said it first and that's the customary
answer, right? I want to love someday, but I'm worried
I'll just fall in love with someone because they fall in
with me. That would be sad. heh. yep. I want to marry
and have kids and a family, because that's what I'm
supposed to do, right? I mean, isn't it? People say no,
but I don't believe them. The point of growing up is to
get a job, get a husband, squeeze out a couple of kids,
and die. Is it not? I do want to get married, but not
for good reasons, right? I want a man who i just
understand and who is there. i don't really care if he's
100% faithful, as long as he loves and respects me, and
doesn't bring back any diseases. I however, will probably
be faithful, but maybe not. I don't really know because I
never know what I will do until something comes up. I
also want to get married to be an adult - to have an adult
experience, to have adult jewelry, to have adult
responsibilities. I must say though that i refuse to
drive a minivan or suv or any "family" car. I want a
neon. or volkswagons all my life. i want to be married
so that i have a home and a family to come home to. I
don't think i want to share a bed everynight with my
husband though - i need my privacy, you know. is this
being unresonable? But I swear, if he snores, I just
can't be held responsible for my actions. REALLY!!! I
was the kid who could never sleep with a radio on in my
sister's room down the hall and has trouble now sleeping
with maria's darn clock going "tick tick tick tick tick"
all night long. My ear is just too sensitive. I also
want to be pregnant. Really I do. not now of course, i
just want to be pregnant, you know? I want to be a mom -
though I might change my ideas for my kid's names every
other week. But then I want to die at 32. I do. Even
knowing that's mearly 11 years away. I just do. Not that
i will kill myself on my 32nd birthday, I just want to die
in my sleep sometime in the 32nd year of my life. Like I
have always said. Either that... or I want to be a
Martyr! Yeah, Killed defending something. Okay... now I
know why I have trouble finding goals for my future. I
must go. I think I need a shower. Or to go to sleep. I
did stay up late last night nursing my baby - or rather my
film essay.

HAVE A DAY.
cj