jenybands21

this is it.
2003-04-04 06:00:33 (UTC)

slipping further away.

love doesn't exist.
it never will.
i am doomed to wander the earth alone forever.
love was never present. anywhere.

love is something that i'll only hear about in stories or
in the movies, its not something that i can see myself
experiencing. which is really sad cuz i'll never pop out
grandkids. oh well.
you see its like this. anyone i see myself with for a
potentially long time, never reciprocates anything. and
people i could care less about are the ones that chase
after me. WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with me..... i only
attract losers or what? I DONT GET IT.
i'm tired of suffering for some unattainable thing. i'll
never have that in my life. i'm losing hope now. okay?? its
gone. it never existed. the only people that will love me
now are my parents. FUCKING LAME. i mean why do i have to
just be alone all the time? why can't i find lasting love
in a person? why aren't i good enough for the people i want
to be good enough for? i can't tell up or down and i can't
make sense of anything.
you see people this is what its like to lose hope in
something you believed in your entire life.
all the people i love go away in the end and they leave.
everyone. you think i might be exaggerating? yeah i'm not.
i can only find surfacey lusty crap. and HEY that isn't
what i wanted. i hurt myself daily believing in something
that will never exist. i am not content in that either. i
haven't got anything to look forward to. what is the point
of my life if i can't have someone to share it with? i dont
give a flying fuck about money or a degree or anything like
that. i mean its not my ultimate goal in life to be the
head of a fortune 500 company because none of that really
matters in life. i mean what is money anyway? i dont
freaking understand why people who have FOUND LOVE and have
a family IGNORE THAT LIFE! THAT PERFECT life and search
after a few more hours at the office, a few extra bucks. it
is such an empty existence. so if i'm not chasing after
money, what am i going to do with my life? hope to find
some dashing stranger in an art gallery in north carolina?
cuz you know, that happens everyday apparently. "we can
still use yahoo."

scott, what do you want from me anyway? you offer all this
shit to me. i dont get you at all. i'll never fucking get
you. see you are such a walking contradiction, i dont know
where you are going at any given moment. one minute you're
this amazing person and then the next you evade me and you
ignore me and i'm left sitting there asking myself what the
hell just happened? because sometimes i feel like we are
intertwined with one another and i dont know what to do
with that. maybe nothing at all. but i hate just sitting
around idle. i feel so idle around you. why do i feel so
compelled to be around someone who makes me feel so
inadequate? i'll never ever know.... i mean its the same
thing that happened with tony too. one minute he was just
perfect. and then the next its like i never was there. i
hate being an apparition in peoples lives. i hate being the
center and then on the outskirts. i want consistency!!!!!
why is that so hard to get?! i don't understand for the
life of me i'll never understand.
i've been patient. i've been kind. i've not been jealous i
dont boast i dont know what i'm doing wrong at all. why
aren't i doing anything right at all? why can't things just
be totally unlike what they are? why aren't i everything to
everyone?!!!!!!!!
i can't concentrate on anything. my mind is a million miles
away, looking for the next burst of fun or something. i
mean when did i get so shallow? i dont know where i am at
and i dont know what i'm doing and i dont know where i want
to go. i'm lost. i'm completely, utterly lost.

forget me. everyone else has.
jeny




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