AmelieKate

My so called reality...
2003-04-04 04:12:43 (UTC)

Reflective lines.

i wrote what i think was my most personal journal ever
online tonight. and surely, it deleted. wow, i spent about
an hour on it, pouring my heart out. and its gone. so long..


i havent written in a while, and this is my attempt to
write what i did an hour ago. guhhh.
spring break, as im sure you all know, was alright. well,
good, possibly stellar. it was a time of fun but also
lonliness. i find that even in the company of people, i
find myself alone, and secluded in my world, but thats kind
of how i like it. i like to think and be by myself alot.
its good. and spring break brought me this...


life has so much... beauty. i realized this when i was
jolted into paradise. everything around me was so serene
and untouched. I spent countless nights sitting in the
sand, listening to the deep black ocean crash, as lame as
it may sound. it brought upon so much clarity. i spent my
days lounging in the sun, and walking the beach, getting
absurd comments on my body, and over lasting stares that
were uncalled for. nights were calm and collected. I found
myself many a times withdrawn from the daily activities,
but i found a piece of myself. Monday night without anyones
knowing at around 2am, i woke up with this intuition to
walk down to the beach, so without hesitation i did. i sat
of the beach until 4, starring off into that big wall of
black that was the ocean. i sat there for about 5 minutes,
and the tears came streaming down my face, and i merely sat
and recollected every and anything. i realized that my life
has been very bittersweet, but thats good, i think. im
still not sure why that night happend, but it was so
unexplainable. i dont think i will ever feel the way i did.
i had so much pent up anguish and loathing for something,
im not sure. but its gone, i thought about so much of my
life and what eats away at me, and granted its not gone, i
feel at ease. everyone has that something in their life
they dont like or try to hide from. mine happens to be my
dad. i'm putting myself on the line and exposing myself,
but ive had to live through the pain he's in. not only does
alcoholism ruin the person, but it eats away at everyone
they know. i wallow in this sorrow of my youth, and am so
withdrawn from my family it makes me nausious.
we're "close" or so we'd like to think... the night on the
beach brought out so much of what i didnt know i had in
me...


it seems i go about a week where im completely happy, and
then it all downward spirals into this euphoric state.. its
not happy or sad, just.. different. i dont know how to
explain, but its good..


sometimes you just want a body to hold, and lips to kiss. i
find myself wanting that something after the night of
bliss, but seem to be missing some how..


music enwraptures my life. but i suppose its not bad when
it colors my world. that perfect melody, and the words, you
never thought anyone felt. from anguish and disgust to
pleasure and content, music shapes everything in my world.
i love it.


work=wonderful. it is so easy going and somewhat fun. its
even better when i work with dan chad or chris. dan, its so
cool talking to you at work, you always have something to
say, which is nice. just thought id add that.


i had this huge section about myself.. exposing everything,
and ill do a short summary, and it was what guys should
know and other crap..


guys dont understand girls, and frankly, i dont understand
guys... so heres my attempt to helpyou understand me and
possibly other girls... i like to talk, but sometimes find
that i become shy for unknown reasons, its not you. i dont
really like talking on the phone because i can never find
the right words to say when im not in person, nor anything
to talk about. i like good conversations. im strange.. it
seems that i never do anything, not to mention anything
deemed exciting by most. i like to talk, sit, write, go to
shows, and other random things. its not that theres nothing
to do, its what you make of it dear.. stop complaining.
Simplicity is key. life is so simple, dont make things so
fucking complex. this includes relationships. just let it
happen. clingy=bad. if someone stares at you for more than
5 seconds, this probably means they want to kiss you.. this
holds true alot. i wish i could say everything thats in my
head, because i think i have something worth while to say.
apparently when im not smiling i looked pissed, but im
not... im just not smiling.. hehe. i may seem uninterested,
but thats probably not the case. i day dream alot. and im
dry for now.. cant think of anything else...


this whole entry seemed sad or something, but its not.. its
merely my depiction of life and what ive been thinking. in
words it comes out so dark, but its not really. maybe thats
just how it is. i dont know. hehe
wow. thats it for now.. room to believe. im out of site,
out of mind. and out of reach, im gonna start over.. yes
thats partly derrived from "out of reach"


Thought of in the last week.. since i havent updated in
ever, ill include you all.
Lysie, my mexican prodigy, you are my heterosexual life
mate.haha
Erika, i miss you, come home so we can chill, and dont
bring adam.
Morgan, you are 1/2 of me, or 1/2 a cat.. no wait.. "can we
skin cats?"
Richard, i see the underlying message in your
conversations, and no, we cannot have sex. remember my
rule.. it has to be some extremely hot guy or someone im
dating.. haha.
Chad, we need to chill again soon. its cool how we have
boring conversations, but theyre good.. and you like good
music.
Kayla, yolanda, hows pedro? and the lips?
chris, its so nice talking to you at work.journalism. you
seem to have such a grasp on things. and you always are
there to ttalk.
dan, i enjoy talking with you at work. youre a cool kid,
and its sweet how you always have something to say.


Looking..wow. or just are wow..
Presto, youre such a stud.
james, so stylish, with so much inside to comment on.. and
its meaningful...
chad, once again, he has some weird sexual magnetism, and
hes awesome to talk to.


thats it for now. cant think of anyone else...
"call shot gun baby and we can bust out of this popsicle
stand, everything good comes to an end."




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