Natalie

Today For You
2003-04-04 01:20:34 (UTC)

HATE

Where does this feeling come from? hate. its all ive ever
known. nobody knows the real me. they think they do but
they dont. they wouldnt like the real me . the death
mongering me. the one that could kill someone and not
really even think twice about it. i hate this part of me.
and it makes me wonder what happend to me? what made me
like this? was it my family, my friends, or was it just me?
did i just expect so much out of myself that i drove myself
this insane? i hate me and i always will. im constantly in
pain from this world. nobody cares enough. nobody sees the
pain i have every day when i walk in that school. or when i
have to come home. nobody sees the pain in my eyes every
time i go to sleep hopein that maybe i would die and then i
wake in the morning and realise that im still alive.
sometimes i try so hard , but for what? in the end whose
there beside me? whose there holdin my hand in the last hour
of my time here on earth? i wish sometimes i didnt feel at
all but then there are times i wish i did but when i do i
feel to much. i feel every ones pain around me and there is
nothing i can do. for me or any one else. i just hate this
life. whats the point we are all gonna die eventually. it
inevetable. i try not to feel whats goin on in my life
thats good. i try to just skrew it up before anything takes
hold in my heart. maybe cuz i fear that if i love one thing
that maybe i will start to love everything. and i fear that
emotion:love. ive never really known what that felt like.
or maybe im just really good at shutin off my emotions to
world so well. theres just so much pain in my life that i
dont know if i can get around it. nobody in my own family
knows how i feel. i wonder what they would think of me if
they did? i wonder what who ever reads this (which prob
will only be one person) will think about this. i have so
much anger and hate built in me from over the years i fear
what will happen when it finally bursts. who will stand by
me then when i need a friend the most?




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