~L

My Screwed Up Relationships
2003-04-02 19:15:16 (UTC)

Yeah that hurt

We keep going over the same mindless bullshit night after
night. We keep fighting he keeps feeling like shit I cry
more often than not anymore. Scared to death to tell him.
Scared to death of a lot of things. I love him wholly
without reservations, with my soul. Hes going to have to
choose soon we cant keep doing this not only to ourselves
but to her. I think the choice is fucking simple. I mean
christ he loves me so much and he needs me so much and he
cant picture his life without me and yada yada yada and yet
here we sit, and he still dosent know what to do. It breaks
me night after night after night that he is too fucking sad
to make a goddamn decision and it not only hurts me but
makes me fucking mad. I have waited I have been patient I
have been everything you could ask for in someone and I
mean everything for what? For fucking what? What does she
have that I dont? Time? Is she pretty? Is she pregnant?
Wait he said he wasnt sleeping with her,,, umm.. yeah so,,
and well he did neglect to mention that they were engaged
as well... see where I am going with this?
I just need him in my life and if he cant be there in the
capacity that I need hes going to have to let me walk away
and recover and get over him. He was pissed to no end when
I played my April Fools day joke on him. Told him another
man kissed me, he said he was ready to come down here and
disembowl him. Yet, even that dosent mean anything. Even
those overprotective instincts that you sometimes feel for
on you claim to feel as deeply as you do for mean nothing.
Im sorry what more does he need from me blood? Does he want
to crush me and watch me whither away and die? Does he not
understand that it is easy if he was truthful with himself
and saw that inside himself what he wants and needs?
Shouldnt I be the one written all over his heart? Shouldnt
I? From everything from fucking everything thats happened
between us shouldnt it be me?
I fear
It is not.
For while I havent seen it yet in my dreams, I see it in my
minds eye, because she is too stable secure and
comfortable. He apparently enjoys living with someone that
sometimes considers him a roommate, that freaks out and
flips out on him to the point he admits he gets kinda
scared. Apparently he likes comming home and living like
that. He likes living with someone he says he dosent sleep
with , someone that when he gets into bed at night sleeps
as far away from her as possible. Someone that dosent exist
even in his work environment for its my pic in his office
on his computer not hers.. (and still that tells him
nothing)
Gee sounds like heaven to me when can I move in? I mean
christ I would wanna stay with someone like that for the
rest of my life to. I would wanna go on pretending I was
happy. God sounds like heaven sign me up.
Cant see through the tears. Gotta go
~L




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