Babybird

My Super Terrific Life
2003-04-02 05:31:15 (UTC)

so...

so i haven't written anything in well over a year. i am a
completely different person now i suppose. i moved cities,
changed schools, broke off a relationship, found a
friendship in an old relationship, made new friends, fell
in love. i got a job, my own place, a new car, a hot body,
and a puppy. it's amazing the things i've seen and done
and become in the past 16 months. and what i really think
about is how the one person that should have the least
impact on my life right now still has the most. every move
i make is the result of "what would he think". when i get
dressed, when i do my hair and make up, i do it so that i
am pleased and incase "he" sees me. i think i am still
trying to live up to his expectations of cool. and i have
no rhyme nor reason for it. i don't see him. we talk
occasionally. i'm doing far better than he is. but
still... and it's sad. but i'm happy. so maybe it's not
so bad. i'm happy with the girl i am. i like the way i
look. i like the things i do. much more so than i was in
evansville. and i wonder if i'm the only one like that.
and it's not that i'm trying to be someone else. i was for
a while, but it got me no where. so now i try to be me.
but my tastes have changed. sort of. i'm still me...i
still have some of my friends that i've had for years and
years, so i can't be that different. but i've gone from
wearing a cape and monkey mask around campus and crucifing
anyone wearing clothes from the gap to wearing an
abercrombie shirt with my american eagle skirt while
watching elimidate and doing my nails. i used to shop at
goodwill, now i shop at circle center. i'm still funny and
sweet. i no longer fear men. i go out to bars and clubs.
hell, i picked up a guy today in the mall. i have a lot of
confidence and self esteem that i had lost there for a
while. i used to be pretty happy and full of self esteem.
then i met someone totally different from myself and i
wanted to be more like that. so everything i knew and
liked about myself was shredded. but i built it all back
up and i am where i was before, only entirely different and
happier.


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