kiss me, kill me, hold me, thrill me
2003-04-02 02:28:01 (UTC)

What's on my mind...

So far today is going well. I seem to have some stuff on
my mind though. I found out something kinda neat today.
Brian from BSB is selling his car.

It got me thinking about how BSB are taking a big break
and have decided not to work on a new album this year.
More power to them for deciding to do it on their own time
and when they want to do it! It is a little sad though.

I was attempting to update my page of Backstreet
Photocards that I am selling and I got depressed. What if
they never put out another album? I know I'm ok with that
right now, but only because I don't think they will split.

I got pissed off at the radio dj the other day who said
they were splitting. I wanted to fucking kill her for
spreading false information. That station does it all the
time though. They want to grab listeners with supid hooks
like that. Trust me I don't listen to them much because
they are full of shit and their music has gone to crap.
They used to be ok.

If BSB doesn't put out another album then where will I get
my random inspiration? I was drawn to BSB when I saw
Brian for the first time in 1999 after Millennium came out
and I watched an MTV special with them. Also I love the
song I Want It That Way. It is an amazing timeless song
to me. I'm probably alone in that belief among people
reading this. That's ok, I'm cool with that.

I became a huge fan. I've written fanfiction (fictional
stories about them) about them, done many websites on them
and collected hundreds of pictures of them. I've even
managed to go to a concert for the Black and Blue tour
when they were in Tacoma.

I waited hours before my local ticketmaster opened on the
first day just so I could get tickets. I was a super fan
of sorts. Not some screaming teenybopper, but close enough.

I may not be some immature fan, but I'm guessing that if I
met any of them I would be speechless or fall over in
shock. I certainly wouldn't run up to them and go nuts.
I'm to shy for that.

I know they have come to a crossroads in their lives.
Each one is doing something different right now. Nick put
out an album of his own last fall, Brian is a proud
father, kevin is married and wants to do acting, AJ is
dealing with having cheated on his fiance and trying to
make things right with her and well Howie has a club in
Orlando called Tabu. I'm sure he's busy doing club stuff
and more, but I don't know.

So each guy is doing something right now that I guess is
more important then trying to put out an album just
because it's time to put another out.

It has been a few years since they put out a new album.
Black and Blue was supposed to be really amazing and out
sell Millennium with first week sales. It did not do that
nor is it better than Millennium. Then everyone got all
worried when they put out The Hits Chapter One. People
thought it was the end of them. It was not at the time,
but I guess it could be.

I just expected them to always be around. They are some
super group to me that will never disappear. I never
thought they could end up on VH1's Where are they Now.
Currently I am not sure.

Anyway, thinking about this got me in a writing mood so
I'm writing this. I know most of you don't care much
about BSB if at all, but they have been a strong force in
my life for the past 4 years now.

I for a while thought that somehow Brian was looking out
for me. At least when I was about to do something stupid I
would think of him and how strong he has been to get
through all the problems he has had with his heart. All
that would bring me back to reality and not do the stupid

Now I have Dave to do that. I can always hear him in my
head when I want to do something crazy. I imagine him
getting mad at me for being stupid. That brings me back,
but now he's not the same.

I don't think he realizes how much he's changed. I was
talking to him last night and said a few more sexual or
suggestive things and he didn't respond. Infact when I
told him i was getting naked he said "ok..." Like he was
really asking why I told him.

It used to be he would get all excited about me getting
naked or at least make a comment about it, but not just
blow it off. He doesn't have to get excited about it, but
I felt he didn't give a fuck.

I understand he has changed because now he has a fiance
and stuff. He's got a whole new life forming for him.
I'm happy his life is going so well. I just wish we could
talk like we used to once in a while. Just say things for
the hell of it and talk for hours. I felt like i was the
only on in the conversation the other night. I'd type
long sentences to him and get like one word replies. He
used to type more, even if i said something dumb or
something he didn't care about it.

Maybe he was in a mood or something. He was fine the
night before. I guess i'll just have to ask him about it
when it happens again. I feel stupid trying to talk to
someone who doesn't want to talk with me.