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Takin out the Trash
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2003-04-02 01:58:03 (UTC)

Torn Between Frustration and Happiness

It's been a while since I've come here to throw out my
trash- so I'm back...ready to speak...

Last time I was here, I ranted and raved about how much I
wanted to grow up, how much I hated my parents, how
confident I am in myself....I'm not here to do that again.

My mind set has changed. Yes- I still can't stand my mother
(sometimes my dad too) and I could go on and on about her,
but my attitude is- why bother? I'd be wasting my time.
Everybody goes through teenage hell- so why talk about it?
My mom won't change...and whining won't help!!

On to a new topic-

I quit dance, something I have been doing since I was six
years old. That's eleven years, and now I'm just frickin
done! So why am I telling you? It's weird to me that I'm
not sad. I like not having to go to the hell hole. I like
not going to a place where the business forgets you are
client and badmouths you with other kids. I'm waiting for
myself to feel some glimmer of sadness...but I feel none- I
don't even really think about it besides for realizing that
I don't care.

Why did I quit? Well, perhaps I don't like dance anymore?
That's not true. I love dance, and I love being on stage.
It's the most amazing feeling. I just know that I was in
the wrong atmosphere, and I was being treated in a way that
I didn't deserve. I made the cheer squad...and all of a
sudden I was being badmouthed, and left out of dances I was
in. That's right- they went to a competition and purposely
kept it a secret. I didn't even do anything to them! I just
found something else I like to do...and apparently you
can't like doing two things! That sucks. I've been a part
of these people for so long, and I've transitioned in to
different groups of the whole company. I was in the "in"
group....when I felt like I was family. Now, I've
experienced the "out" group, and I realize how much more I
like it. Why? Because I can see reality!! I can see that
these people are cruel, and self-absorbed, and blind to
their cruelty! I can see that life isn't just dance! I can
see that I have the ability to dismiss myself from
something at any time. I can see that I am the client!
Ahh...feels good to let that out. I hear all the things
they are still saying...and I could really care less- or
I'd go in to detail. What I know is that a lot of people
miss me, and a lot of people don't need an explanation.
They all know why I left...and no body blames me. That
feels great...I'm feel free now, and I feel I have the time
to put in to things I can really enjoy.

School is going okay. I can't wait to get out of junior
year. We're all at a stand still and we just want to live
our senior year and get out. We're Done! It's so fucking
slow!! Anyway..................

What else? I'm still with my ex-boyfriends best
friend...and I really do love him. It's been a year and a
month, and ldkfja;sdk I can't even describe it. It's
frustrating sometimes because no body understands, and I
get crap for it. On the otherhand, I don't know what I
would do with out the boy. He's everything. He knows
everything about me, and I can laugh with him like I can
with nobody else. I don't see myself ever letting go...

Anyway- that's my venting and spilling for now. PeACE

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