cj

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2003-03-31 18:00:36 (UTC)

a good day

Well...I had one of the most wonderful days of my life
yesterday. I had an awesome time in church that really
built me up spiritually. I was shouting with joy so loudly
in the car on the way home that my kids requested I keep it
down. I cleaned my house like mad so I could later visit
with my man. We had a wonderful time. He played with the
kids and I in the yard and he brought us dinner so I
didn 't have to cook. I was overwhelmed by all this. It
brought tears to my eyes. And once or twice I let them
fall. You must understand that my life has been a living
nightmare up til leaving my home state and an abusive
husband. It was worse than horrible...I never could have
dreamed anyone could be so incredibly unkind to someone
they are supposed to love. I am not here to feel sorry for
myself...only to clarify...my life was the closest to hell
I've ever known in my married to T years.

Now I have been very good friends with M for months now.
We seem to have a perpetual movement toward closeness. And
all that he says, does and IS is beautiful to me. I am
overwhelmed by kindness. I have just as much a problem
with the L*** word as anyone who has been cut, bruised and
battered by it. Yet I would never say it unless I truly
believed I did to the best of my ability. Ah, yes, there are
all kinds of love. I don't want him telling me
things just because he thinks I wanna hear them. Not JUST because
anyway. But he's right, I know he's right. Pretty much
everything he says is a form of truthful sobriety. I still have this
romantic little girlie thing in my silly heart that won't go away no
matter how intellectual and practical I try to be. How do women do
it? Jump from man to man without a thought...without a care? How do
they engage and disengage their hearts and minds?
I KNOW M is the only one of his kind and he's truly what God made
men to be. Sure I treasure the fact he loves me as
a "friend"....that's a gift in
itself. I refuse to give into fear though.

I can have everything imaginable....but if I
don't have love I am nothing.(somewhere in one of the corinthians) I
love him. That's my
gamble. Sure I'm afraid to lose...fuck it....he's worth
it.

Still... if there was an impending situation of seeing him with
someone else...I think I'd rather leave the country and it wouldn't
be far enough.

I'm a REALIST. A romanticist/realist...but nevertheless a realist.


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