estherb

cup of goodbyes
2003-03-31 17:46:20 (UTC)

end to relationships

there's something so beautiful about the world and its
organisms in spring time. everything smiles for a few
months. i guess it's the feeling of releif from the
depression of winter. although, the funny thing about
myself is that i tend to fall out of love in spring time.
i start loving everything, and somehow the concentration of
my love for a person gets swallowed up. this could be one
of the reasons for my recent resolution that when i come
home in 13 weeks, i will stop myself from getting into a
relationship (i mean, if some freak accident happens and i
fall deeply in love with some kid, then i'll let it happen,
of course). but the reasoning is that i kinda let myself
get depressed by thinking about my social history a couple
nights ago. i realized that i haven't really had a close
group of friends since fifth grade, and that's somewhat
pathetic in my opinion. in middle school i was unnoticed
and didn't have any close friends at all really. if i did,
they came and went within a 6 month period. and then in
the beginning of freshman year, the relationships started
before i really made any close friends, and then i didn't
have or make any time for anybody except the person i was
dating. i was happy, and i guess that's all that really
matters, but there's something in me that has been
whispering that i'm afraid of being single because i think
i'd be lonely, and that whisper is turning into a chatter.
so basically i am stating that my arrival home will be a
fresh start, and this is just a warning to all of you that
thought that maybe i'd still be the same person when i come
home.

i have actually changed quite a bit in these months. my
host mom has placed the same level of personality analysis
on myself as i do on everyone else, and has used her
experience as a social worker to make me take a good look
in that mirror. maybe the flaws she showed me weren't
really that big of a deal, but the action did make me aware
of another opinion, and i suppose it's worth a shot to try
to make some changes. i think that most people who receive
criticism get angry at the critic because they're telling
them things they already know, and have already been
nagging their conscience without any provocation. but i'm
aware of that, and won't get mad if you let me know, in
fact i should be grateful. honesty hurts sometimes, but in
my experience, in the long run it usually does a great deal
of good.




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