jenybands21

this is it.
2003-03-31 17:14:42 (UTC)

wow

[music- phish-waste]
[mood-EHHHHHH.]

so right this time in my life, i feel, is an all time low
for me as far as obsessing outright about a person. i
shouldn't be wasting my time with it to be honest. i should
learn to play drums like i'm always talking about, or learn
the guitar. only not the guitar...he is learning that one.
but then again if i want to learn the guitar i shouldn't
let his wannabe playing from stopping my wannabe playing.
but if i did play i'm not sure whether it would be just
to "one-up" his playing or what. or if i'd even be doing it
because i wanted to. i know that my mom would think that
the only reason i wanted to learn guitar is because he is.
but hell i've been talking about learning the guitar since
about tenth grade so not really. but the revived interest
would be seen that way. but drums could be cool also. i am
torn. guitar would be better for songwriting and that's
what i want that for. drums would just be a way of getting
out agression. but i could just buy a punching bag for
that. but i have no money, so technically the only thing i
can afford to do is play guitar because we have two of them
in the house.
i was thinking about something i said to carmelita the
other day, something i totally regret now. it had nothing
to do with her, my mom actually. it was totally untrue. i
think i just wanted to say something that would allow me to
connect with her or something...anyway i said that i
thought my mom would rather of had me die instead of josh
because he was the one she connected with more. but i mean
that was just so terrible and selfish and rotton of me to
say because i know it isn't true, i knew it wasn't true
when i said it, and i was lying when i said it. anyway i
really feel awful about that. i asked for forgiveness
after, i just....whoa. i suck. i'm a terrible daughter!!!!!
anyway i'm going to get offline now...i'm sick of being
online. wooo hooo!
jeny




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