poeticgem

My sometimes coherent thoughts
2003-03-30 03:01:48 (UTC)

Life ....

Yea ... life ... such as it is ... at this moment all I can
say is it sucks being me!

I'm not going to start off by wailing and moaning. I mean
it's been an awful long time since I even wrote in here ...
but things have NOT suddenly and wonderfully changed for the
better. Some things have changed ... but most things have
stayed the same and the things that have changed have been
more for the worse than for the better. Especially in the
area of being a mom. And my relationship with Harry is
strained since I last wrote ... we no longer get together
on the weekends because of the situation with Chantelle.

I thought by separating the two of them things would be
better with her, but I was wrong. SO VERY WRONG!

I'm still working ... that's at least one upside. I'm
making more than I did on unemployment but not nearly as
much as I once did - over a year or so ago! Nearly 36
years old and not much to show for it .... it's frustrating
and disheartening to say the least.

I finally got Chantelle into counseling - outside of school
and inside - I'm only hoping it's not too late. I am just
really so sick and tired of living like this, always
fighting with her, putting up with her disrespect,
rudeness, unappreciativeness ... back talk ... attitude ...
her grades are all below C's ... she doesn't care because
she doesn't want to be here with me ... yet she doesn't
want to 'go away' because of her friends. I am just so
DONE with this crap. We had a huge blow up AGAIN yesterday
morning, which made both of us late, and then when I was
hurrying down the stairs to get to the car, I fell down and
nearly twisted my ankle ...

If counseling doesn't show any signs of helping her by
June, she will be staying in Arizona after summer break and
going to school there. As much as I don't want to put this
burden on my father and sister, I really don't know what
else to do. If I had money I would put her in a boarding
school or send her off to a boot camp ... she is just so
defiant towards any type of authority that she needs a
really harsh REALITY CHECK along with a hard, swift kick in
the ass!

Well, now I have to go get ready because I've given in to
her request to go out with her friend tonight, only because
my father and I will be taking her and dropping her off and
staying in the same location and then taking her back
home. She hasn't any social reaction with her friends
since school started because her grades have been so bad
and she chose to stay and be on restriction as opposed to
going to Arizona ... and her grades have not improved any
since then ... but now it's so late, that her counselor and
my father both said it wouldn't do any good to send her
now. So she's staying and if her grades aren't all
improved by one full grade minimum, she's going to be
staying in Arizona. But since telling her that, she hasn't
shown one iota of wanting to try ... and now I've learned
that she doesn't really care to try because that would mean
she has to be here with ME ... and she doesn't like me!

So where do I go from here ... I don't know ... really I
don't ... I'm truly at my wit's end!

Ok ... until later ... I will try and write more often from
hereon out ...

GOD PLEASE GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I
CANNOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN AND
THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE ... AMEN




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