The Muffin Man

My Favorite Courdaroys
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2003-03-29 18:06:12 (UTC)

Going away

Leaving today, you gotta find a brand new hero.

Why does it hurt to lose someone you considsered a friend?
Someone you devoted so much of your time and life too,
someone you just wanted to make happy. In the end it just
fell apart. Blew up in your face. They wont talk to you.
Wont acknowledge you exist. Why does that hurt? Why does
it feel like everything you ever did was all in vien? You
cant sleep, you think, you cant eat. You cant do any of
the things that use to be so simple. Because that person
ment so much to you that you just cant bare the pain
anymore. I had a really weird dream last night. It was me
and a shady figure. The shady figure handed me a knife,
told me you know what do with this. Then without
hesitation the knife, which was now in my hands slid into
me. When I pulled it out I gasped for air, ran my fingers
across it and then wiped the blood off with my hands and
licked it off my fingers. It was so fucked up and I could
not sleep the rest of the night I just layed in bed fearing
what would happen if i fell asleep. And every time i did
the figure got a little clearer. A girl. Probably trika.
I dont know why but I havent dreamed about her in a long
time and I dont know why I have now. I shouldnt even care
but for some reason I do. Im pretty fucked up I guess. I
dont really like myself right now. Hell I dont even know
myself anymore. Ive got major attitude and its so fucking
weird. Its so wierd. Like Im going to this girls junior
prom with her. I mean I should be somewhat excited. But I
find myself dreading it sometimes. I dont know why. Im
scared. I cant trust anymore. It sucks. Like my whole
world just started falling apart again. I thought I was
doing good. Hell Ive done some things i shouldnt have. I
smoked pot, I drank. But ya know what? I had fun when I
did that. Yeah I had fun doing something illegal go
figure. Little mr. goody tu shu did something illegal.
*GASP* Look what my hatred towards myself has done to me.
Im not grasso anymore. Im someone else. And Im the only
one who has to live with me everyday. With my torment, my
own thoughts, my everything. It would be so easy just to
end it all but I still dont have the urge to do that. The
flame that makes people go through and do that. Ive come
to terms that shes never gonna talk to me again. Thats
fine with me. I dont know what made me think I ever needed
her. And she tells me if I have something to say to her
say it to her personally. Well since she most likely
blocked me from her Im I just wanna say thanks for
everything. And thanks for dumping me and letting me tear
myself apart. I dont know why Im so fucking depressed
today but thanks for everything trika. So im gonna wallow
in my self pity and try and find something else besides
trika and my lack of self confidence to balme it on.
-Matt-


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