2003-03-29 16:26:30 (UTC)

I'm Done.

Do I feel anything for her anymore? I don't even
know...isn't that sad? I can spend years going after her
and then all of a sudden...something changed. I can't
even describe it. She's so different and I feel
different. Is it because it has suddenly sunk in that she
is not this person that I fantasize her to be...and that
any relationship with her would never be what I want? Or
maybe I am just delluding myself? I don't know. I'm
frustrated with lessons-everything she does frustrates me
and she'll say something and I'm just like "no...not
cool." and yet at the same time...*sigh* I can't even
describe it. But like yesterday in our lesson I was just
ready to throw money at her and be like "teach me for the
love of God!!!!" Like she wont accept my money and yet she
wont teach me's a waste or my, AM's, KL's,
her, and Splash's time. Stupidness. I think I'm going to Friday I'll just get on and ride and if she
asks if I'm riding in a lesson I'll just be like, 'no.'
and leave it at that. She can figure it out. It's not
like I haven't asked for feedback before...whatever. And
I can understand that she wants to give me room to figure
it out but I don't even KNOW what I have to figure's like I'm being given a math test and the
questions are in another language-I don't think I can get
that through her head. And then I feel like she's
ignoring me...not like completely ignoring but she just
seems to talk to me when no one else is there...and I mean
she talks to everyone all the time but lately it's...I
dunno. Like she only talks to me to bitch about stuff and
it's like she doesn't really care if I'm there or
maybe I'll just not hang around anymore. I feel retarded
and I'm just sick and tired of it and just thinking of it
and her gives me a headache. I think I'm through...right
now that's all I can see and you know what? Anna I
finally get you-I'm relieved...saddened because I loved it
so much but relieved that maybe I can look at her and be
like "God she's hot and cute and pretty..." and her eyes
are blue and the way her hair hangs around her face
is...BUT at the same time...that's all I feel. Eye-
candy. Now let's see if we can survive a road trip
And I'm so itching for a fight. I want to piss her off
right now really badly. Like Yesterday she was riding and
I was ready to be like "yeah I'm in love with you and you
can go fuck yourself-goodbye" and leave. Cuz I didn't
even want to be there-I KNEW I would be wasting my time.
And I was. And I was ready to actually give her money or
to talk back to her just because...I want to fight with
her right now...I'm just waiting for it...

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