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2003-03-29 04:32:34 (UTC)

Should I really make a big deal of this?

Performance #1 of freestreet (my first) was today. I just
came back like an hour ago. I forgot about writing in this
silly old thing anything. Well, it was kinda wierd. It
really didn't feel like a show. Maybe that's because I
didn't know what it was about. Nor did I really know who
my "character" was. It just felt like a small group of
people going out in public somewhere and doing something
they practiced for. Like that thing. I felt like
one of those teens that digs up internal documents about
smoiking and exposes them. That's what this show was like.
We exposed something. Maybe even of ourselves I guess.

Karoline and Randy came. They were late, but they came.
They didn't get it. I thought they wouldn't. I thought they
would develop some thoughts. But they were late, so it's
kinda hard to do that. Didn't matter. I don't know what
it's about. We laughed at that. Karoline was real hungry so
they left soon. A weird thing happened when I saw them.

It was like mixing two paints. Two very diffent worlds
colliding. Maybe it's good that they were late. I would
have prabobaly lost my focus and wouldn't be able to get it
back during the show. So I'd panic. But I saw them at the
end. So I didn't know that they were watching me. I'm still
not sure exactly how much they saw, but hmmm... Now that I
think about it, it's like I'm just a body.

Whoever is around me, I steal their characteristics. I
REALLY can't help it. I'm like a vampire that way. (Really
Anne Rice development kinda way. ) I'm much perplexed by this
concept, and have been through all my life. I think that to
actually understand, who we are, we would have to be
seperated from our mothers right at birth, and put into
space. Having not bump into anything. Once we're sixteen
we'd come back to earth. Then we'd have our own personal
sould. Be our own personal selves. But just for 1 sec. As
soon as we hit the ground, that effects us, and climate
changes. Besides if you're not dead, you definately don't
know how to talk. So you don't even have your own dialect

Isn't language kinda funny that way. I guess that's why it
constantly changes. Different dialects create whole
different words eventually. Maybe one day our language will
evolve once more into like maybe 3 different dialects of
the same tongue. I mean, we already are loosing very many
hardly ever spoken languages. Who speaks latin any more? I
know people learn it, study it, but who will you be able to
actually come up on the street to and say something in
latin, have them respond, and carry on a conversation. I
wish I could. Just cause it would be cool I guess.

That's prabobly something that shapes me. Because truly, I
don't WANT to learn any language. I don't want math,
science, history, english, languages, or anything. My
ultimate belief, is just to be. Learn from doing. Learn
only what you need. I keep being greedy and trying to soak
up all this knowledge. I've been soaking up knowledge like
a 39cent sponge. Or one of those new sweeper mop things. I
want to soak it all up. Believe me I do. My capacity isn't
that great though. No. Actually, my will (subconsciously)
isn't even in that direction if I think about it.

What was I talking about.

See this is exactly how I think. And I mean exactly. I
always wanted, I mean, it's been one of my life long goals
to be able to write it down I never could. Thank you Teresa
yet again, for shaping me in to this writing thing. (I hate
to write, I hate to speak. If it were up to me, everyone
would just be a soul flying around with no concept of time,
responcibility or memory.) > I don't know where I was going
with this. Nevertheless thanks Teresa. Pherhaps destiny has
put you in my life with this reason being one of them. I
keep loosing my train. My train of thought. SO I'm gonna go
play games or something. The freestreet thing was
altogether alright.

Oh, right. I started something up there and I meant to
finish with something like this: Those last few paragraphs
are exactly how I think. I start off with something I'm
normally talking about, and then just trail off into my
thoughts and opinions on little things that mean much to
me. Forgetting about what I was writing about. That's why
my essays were never very well organized I guess.

(I have one more essay to write though. Senior Paper. Got
started on it yesterday. I have to compare movies to each
other. My choice was vampire movies. I'm going to depict
the changes of vampires in the world, through film. I was
going to write something else, but my mom came in, pissed
me off and hence, got me out of my zone. My zone being:
Being who I am. I noticed I'm looking at this whole thing
differently so I don't wanna ruin what I have now. Gotta go


P.S. I bought my self some decent skates. (about 50$ at K
mart) so I'm trying to build stamina for me living in
downtown and needing cheap transport. Plus learning to
skate well period. Not getting tired real easy, that kinda
looks emberacing if I only skate 1/2 a mile and I'm all red.

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