Virgin_Suicide

My wrists r crying red.
2003-03-29 00:31:09 (UTC)

Weirdness.


I know Ive not written in ages, but school has been really
stressfull for me...its too much sometimes. It depresses
me to the point where I cut myself and want to jump in
front of a train.

I try to restrain myself from getting too sucked in to the
routines of school, because when this happens it consumes
me and starts to become my only means of existance - I
think that is wrong. There is so much more to life than
school, hel yeah. There's a whole world out there. I want
to have a life where I can live it how I want, a pointless
dream, I know.

I want to spend somedays filling each hour up with amazing
new adventures, trying new hobbies, picking up that old
instrument etc. But I also want to spend some days wasting
each hour like it didnt even exist. I want to live MY
life. But ofcourse, thats not possible.

I've got to go to school for 6 hours a day, and do more
work when I get in from school. Exams!! aargh!! When it is
exam time, there is no relaxing time. Never enough time to
relax, there's always revision to be done. But ofcourse, I
havent started revising yet and that scares the shit out of
me. 6 weeks 2 my exams and Ive not started looking at 2
years of school work, multiplied 8 x's!! OMG

Rachel - y didnt u start sooner?!? Y didnt u tear yourself
away from ur damned comp and actually do something useful
out of ur meaningless existance?!? This scares me so much
I want to catch the next bus to the train station. chooo
chooo....bang! the end. simpleness.

But it's not im a coward. Too much of a coward 2 kill
myself, 2 much of a coward 2 revise, 2 much of a coward 2
face one more day, 2 much of a coward 2 look in the mirror.

What I don't understand stand is: WHY ME....WHY ME....WHY
ME...WHY ME......Why did I have to be stuck with these
depressing thoughts? AAAAAARGGH!! Yes, these r the thoughts
running around my brain. I never thought they existed
untill this extent.

SO, exams....what am I gonna do? 6 weeks 2 exams....and
ive not started swottin up yet. Im gona av 2 start NOW,
and start good. I can never do too much revison. Oh god,
my life is a failure because of this.

I know school is a shit commodity to rule your life, but
the matter of the fact is that it does rule my life. Good
grades are my ticket out of here, to have a decent try at a
happy life. I can only ever be happy if I have money,
because with money cums liberty. And good grades cum with
money...its a hard-truthed cycle.

~

Im tired. So tired, Im always tired. Insomnia dominates
my bedtime, like school does my waking life. I cannot get
to sleep untill, on average, 3 o'clock in the
mornin..sumtimes 6 if im unlucky. But last night, and the
night b4 that I was blessed, I fell asleep at 12 in the
morning, so I managed 2 get a decent sleep, at least.

Bella told me today a conversation her and Matt had. He's
dumped tara-tart, because he wanted 2 concentrate on his
studies (lame) and she was 2 sexual...Wel if u go out with
a tart, wot do u expect?!? Looser. But I'm in love witht
this looser. Im infected. I can't imagine ever having sex
with n e 1 apart form him. He's lovely. Ok, so he can
come across as a bit of a bastard unless ur in his
immediate attention span, and he lets his best frend
control his life..but hes sweet, I love him. I hate life.
Eugh. It rips you up, consumes your insides, then leaves
your skin to dry in the baking sun untill the hyenas come
to scavenge on u..in my case, other guys, who consequently
mean nothing 2 me.

Ross. He's such a sweet guy. A brilliant mind, so
intellectual. He can teach me so much, about analysing
ppl, body language, life's rules. But.....hes not...Matt.
So, because of that, I can only ever see him as a friend.

You know, Im actually getting myself really freaked out. I
keep hearing ringing in my head, over and over and over
again. It's like a phone ringing, and switching on/off.
But when I go to the phone, its silent. I dont understand
it. It even happenes when Im not near a phone, and I still
hear it so clearly in my head. Now call me a rabbit, but
that doesnt seem normal 2 me. Damn, I have SO many
thoughts rushing in my head.

What I have just wrote I have wrote in less than 10
mins...my fingers are zooming across this
keyboard...startin 2 ache with the thoughts puring out from
my fingers on 2 this here screen. Brrrrrrr, my heads
buzzzzzzing.

I better go, Im startin 2 really freak out, plus my head is
spinning, plus I need 2 SI. God, Im a freak... :P

I wrote a poem...about how Im goin 2 kill myself...it
doesnt rhyme...its the sorta poem I could only understand
unless I told u wot it was about, bcos wot it says actually
happened..its not surrealism..apart from when my foot drops
of the platform. Thats not happened, yet. N e way, cya.
Im depressed.




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