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could that be a smile? :-)
[music - from autumn to ashes]
[mood - amused, yet that sense of guilt]
as soon as i left school today, i had a good time. first
off went to the cinema with punkanna and yoda. we saw rules
of attraction, it was pretty good, fucked up as one would
expect as the product of bret easton ellis' mind. sometimes
when i'm hanging out with yoda i find it really hard
because... well basically i think he's a really great guy
but he knows how much everyone fancies him (though i guess
its just tammie now?) and it gets a little frustrating when
his mood dictates the mood of the general environment...
anyway, today was not like that at all. it was really,
really good, and not at all awkward.
well. after i got home, i headed out to meet with billy.
this is a really big deal. if you're reading this and you
don't know me, then this won't make a lot of sense. but...
ummm... just take it, big deal.
so i had fun. but it was a most peculiar evening. firstly,
he has a girlfriend. he didn't tell me this until we were
about 5cm away from kissing lol. having been flirting
outrageously all evening, he then goes "oh it's not
serious, i didn't want to make a big deal out of it" i
didn't ask whether she knows about me because i didnt want
to make myself out to be important. but i am kind of
the good things... looking at old photos (made me miss the
old days more than i can say), listening to music, his
mum's cooking, general reminscing, really stupid
conversations like we always used to have ("recently i
started putting in the milk first... its a whole other
experience") and all that.
the bad things... his girlfriend, his stupid art school
arrogance, the fact that it was just so weird. and
everything, really. obviously. also, damn he looked good.
he was always incredibly beautiful but he now just looks
more amazing than ever. hes got one of those faces that
people turn to look at in the street... aaargh i can see
myself becoming obsessed again and surprise surprise hurt
whats wrong with me at the moment? this was the first good
thing to happen in a long time. but its not really good. in
fact its a huge damn mistake but i cant help making it.
when i hugged him goodbye... i felt like everything was
safe again in the world. i just couldnt bring myself to let
go. which might explain why the hug went on for like 5
minutes. but thats still a mistake.
there are computer wires to my right and out of the corner
of my eye they look like a giant spider. its bizarre.