Jack31081

New Beginning
2003-03-28 04:00:12 (UTC)

This should just about cover it all.

I don't expect you to stay with me on this entry. I'm
gonna try to do this "stream of consiousness" style, so
it's gonna be a bit jumpy. You've been warned.

I love Amanda. I love her with all my being. I am
physically attracted to her. These feelings give rise to
a certain number of other feelings, including that I don't
want to see her love someone else, or become physically
involved with someone else. It's not selfish, it's love.

Right now we're friends. As far as I can tell, being
friends only differs in the sense that there is no sex
life between us. We still love each other. We still hang
out. We just don't sleep together. She says that she
can't be anyone's "boyfriend" right now. Apparently when
she's someone's "boyfriend", she feels trapped. I wish
that wasn't so.

If we had the emotional and physical thing going on, I'd
be one happy camper. I know she's not going to develop an
emotional relationship with anyone overnight. That
doesn't happen. But I do worry that she could wind up
getting physically involved with someone else.

Let's just say it. Here's what I want:
- an emotional attachment w/ Amanda (have it)
- a sex life w/ Amanda (don't have it)
- to be the only man w/ both of the above (don't have it)
- her to want the same things w/ me (don't have it)

If I had those things, then she could have her life. She
could go do whatever she wanted. Right now, when she's
going on dates with other guys, I always worry about
how "involved" they are, or whether it'll turn into
something...go to the next level. If I had the above
things, then I wouldn't have to worry about any of that.
I'd be happy. If she wanted to go do something with
another guy, it'd be because they're just friends. Right
now, because she's single, I can't help but question
whether they're "just friends" or not. If we were
together, then I obviously wouldn't have to worry about
that. Follow?

But, to tell the truth, that isn't going to happen right
now. She's not going to come to be and say, "Okay, let's
get back together." But I don't need us to be together
right now to be happy. Basically,if I honestly knew that
at least some of my feelings were reciprocated...if I knew
that, in the end, she wanted things to work out between
us...if I knew that she had no interest in a relationship
with another guy...I'd be more than happy to
be "friends". I'd wait forever for her. I just don't
want to wait if she's not coming back...get it?

It's not that I don't want her to live her life how she
wants. It's just that I want to live that life with her,
every step of the way.

Now I'm not saying that I can't be her friend right now.
I can. I still love spending time with her, and I'm quite
happy when I'm around her. But can I honestly say that
I'm completely happy with the situation? No, I can't.
I'm sorry, but I'm not going to lie.


Well, nothing new is coming to mind right now. I hope you
were able to at least follow this a little bit.




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