An inconcluded life
2003-03-28 02:53:33 (UTC)

No news is good news...

Today the sun came out flashing neon pink. Like fire being
fed, it changed gradually into neon orange. Later I found
out it looks like that because of pollution.

But when I saw the sun this morning I could not help but
think how beautiful it was and how lucky I was to be alive.
Many things have happened these past weeks. Awkward things.
Life itself is just so awkward that you end up getting the
hang of it when you are about to die. I am not sure I want
to reach that point.

Not so long ago I read somewhere that love does not die.
Lovers are the ones that die, and it is the rest of us who
must carry on our backs the heavy weight of the corpses of
love. So if love does not die, where does it end up
going? Do we really end up carrying loads and loads of
dead lovers' love?

I personally don't know. There are too many things that
keep me confused and in a really weird mood. I keep
wondering how many people have the same weird thoughts that
I have? Is this normal? Am I really living a normal
life? Is it supposed to be like it is happening? I think
that sometimes one needs to hear over and over how good one
is. Maybe I don't get enough of that, or maybe I
definitely am not good enough. So that would leave me in
the side of the loosers. What a looser I should be!
Loosers give up most of the time. I gave up so long ago!
The shit is that I am a coward and I can't face many
things. I fall in love with life again and it all starts
happening over and over. Like a crazy cycle. That's how
it is. I mean, like what else am I supposed to do? I have
tried so hard all my life that it ain't funny any more.
Don't I deserve any better? What do I keep on doing wrong?
is there something i can do to make things better? I
really don't know any more and I am not sure if I really
want to find out.

I feel I have tried hard enough for quite a while now. I
even thought it was about time for me to get a chance. And
I did not. I am forcing myself to stick to my beliefs and
think that the universe is conspiring for something better
for me. But when I try to think about that i just feel
silly. Bottom line is that I don't deserve any better and
I am stuck with what I have. Period. Just try to get used
to that fact or simply give up once and for all. difficult
decision to carry on???