The Mind of Tee La
2003-03-28 01:29:10 (UTC)


Looking back on all my entries, I've come to the harsh
realization that I've been selfish. I've failed to realize
that life is simply not fair at times. People suffer, some
more than others. But in the end, it's all the same. You
have to learn to gain control of the situation and to look
ahead with optimism. People often fail to realize this,
and are tempted to drown themselves in pity for what they
alone have gone through. With each passing day, they grow
even more affected by their disease. Without realizing it,
they will have wasted much of their precious lives dealing
with their sorrows. As obvious as the lesson may be to
learn, still they are oblivious. Live life to the
fullest. It is no more then what you make it to be. =)
I suppose you've already guessed by the overwhelming
optimism (or at least to me), that I've regained control of
my life. I've been sticking to a schedule with my
schoolwork. And after only three weeks, I've accomplished
a lot. In fact, I've almost completed a semester.
Unfortunately, not my last semester though. For months
I've been procrastinating. Again, drowning myself in self-
A few weeks back I had a major fight with my mom. I told
her that if she wouldn't listen to me, I would move. I
told her I didn't want to go through this over and over
again. She flipped out and ended up flinging my graphing
calculator at my dresser, nearly breaking it, and also
almost crushing my reading glasses. Right after, she
literally screamed that I needed to concentrate more on
school... Ok, so if you ruin my expensive graphing
calculator, and refuse to pay for another, and if you crush
my eyesight, how am I supposed to concentrate more on
I was so frustrated that I couldn't even form
compressible sentences. I told her to get out, but she
refused, which only made matters worse. She said that it
was her house and I had no right to lock my door. Everyone
has a right to have their own personal space, no matter who
they share a house with. That alone just pissed me off.
So I simply shut my mouth.
When she realized that I wasn't going to respond, she got
up and left. Later on she was back at my door with the
phone in her hand. She demanded that I call my dad to ask
him if I could move in with him. I told her it was a
chaotic plan, due to the fact that we were both hysterical,
and it being 12 in the morning. She thought I called her
crazy and almost hit be. Joy. Anyway, I was forced to
call and wake up my dad. The whole time he was silent. I
felt so lonely.
He kept asking me if I wanted to change my mind, but I
was pretty set on my decision. It made me feel as if I
weren't even wanted. After I got off the phone with my
dad, my mom left me alone for a while. I sat in my room,
merely gazing at my TV. I was looking at Friends, not
watching it. In desperation, I started formulating the
quickest way of moving to my dad's, as well as what I was
allowed to bring. Thinking about leaving my animals made
me sick.
Again, my mom came back, phone in hand. She wanted me to
talk to my aunt. I momentarily freaked out, because during
my whole life, I had never really talked to one of my other
family members about my problems. But when I got on the
phone with her, and asked me what was wrong, I told her
everything. Instead of the broken sentences I spoke in,
they came more clearly then ever. Within 5 minutes, she
understood everything, PERFECTLY. She told me that I
should go to my dad's to cool off.
Being religiously inclined (trying not to say freak), she
asked me if I believed in god. In truth, I didn't know
what I believed in, but I felt compelled to say yes. I
figured that everyone believes in something. Why not call
that something God? I felt ashamed. My aunt said that she
was there for me, and so was God. Doubts filled my head,
and I fought with the thought. A controversial battle
between myself. Lol. Go Gemini, go! She said that she
was there for me, and that from now on, things would begin
to change, for the better. She would hold me in her
prayers. Desperate and blind, I made myself believe this.
I never felt so realieved in my life (I'm sure I have,
but I have the worst memory, so I wouldn't be able to
recall). I will always remember that conversation, and
always be grateful for what happened that night, though.
The next day I packed some of my things and headed to my
dad's. Again I felt so lonely. I took Jake, but I needed
someone to understand and hug me. My dad could never
supply that. He was never capable of being emotionally
there for me. On the way to the apartment, he told me this
I decided to go to Aric's after one day alone in the
apartment. I felt so much better staying there. Everyone
welcomed me and asked how I was feeling. They offered a
lot of support and told me that no matter what the occasion
was, I could always stay there with them. I don't feel
comfortable asking, but sometimes I feel it's absolutely
necessary. As long as I'm there, I try to help out with
the chores. The majority of the time I feel I owe them
more than what I offer.
Anyway, in conclusion, mom is actually pleasant to be
around now. I think the fight brought us together even
more. She now understands what I'm going through, and vice
versa. The fight between us even made my cousin realize
how selfish he has been during his stay. He helps out a
lot more and doesn't seem to want to kill me as often. =D
My aunt calls everyday, at least twice, to check up on
me. So I have a lot to be grateful for. I anticipate the
time when I'll be able to repay everyone for their love and
support, no matter how small of a role they played in my