All by Myself..

Somethings are better left unsaid...
2003-03-28 00:03:54 (UTC)

Sometimes someone says the smallest thing and it fills the biggest hole in your heart....thanx Chris...

sorry I blew up earlier...I am just so incredibly stressed
out now. I wish I was the kind of person that could get
drunk once in a while. It might feel good to get relief
from this stress, even if only for a short while.

And I'm not sure if I even care so much these days. I
don't know what I'm saying. I just felt I had to write
because today I felt like thinking about this. Maybe I'm
maturing. Maybe I'm just growing into one of those stoic
people, where nothing ever affects them. I hope not. I
know I overreact sometimes, but in the end, I think being
emotional as I am is an asset. It helps me write sometiems
when I think I have nothing to say about how I am feeling
so much at one time.

In reaction to Micheal being an ass to me...well...I
wasn't sure what I felt and what I wanted to feel when I
read what he had said. I know he is hurting bad. I wasn't
filled with my usual "fervent longing" to be with him. I
just wanted to paint him a pretty picture.

The worst feeling is suddenly realizing that you don't
measure up. And that, in the past, when you thought you
did, you were a fool.

People are always saying you should be yourself, like
yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster. Like you
know what it is even. But every so often I'll have, like,
a moment, where just being myself in my life right where I
am is, like, enough.

Dear Micheal,
I know in the past I've caused you pain and I'm sorry. And
I'll always be sorry 'till the day I die. And I hate this
pen I'm holding because I should be holding you. I hate
this paper under my hand because it isn't you. I even hate
this letter because it's not the whole truth. Because the
whole truth is so much more than a letter can even say. If
you want to hate me, go ahead. If you want to burn this
letter, do it. You could burn the whole world down; you
could tell me to go to hell. I'd go, if you wanted me to.
And I'd send you a letter from there.
Meghan
---------------------------------
Sometimes..

..i wish i weren't so sensitive
..i wonder what it would be like to understand what our
pets tell/think of us
..the thought of being alone scares the hell outta me
..i think that i'm just not good enough
..i wonder what life would be like w/out art [visual,
performing, literary, etc].. -surely, life w/out
technicolor.
..i question my sanity
..i wish that love was in fact, happily ever after
..i wonder what it would be like to have wings & fly
..insecurities get the best of me
..i question whether or not god really exists
..i cry for the simpliest matters/things
..i wish that i weren't such a perfectionist
..i wonder how or where i'd be to this day, had i not been
adopted
..one must die [or sink to one's lowest], in order to
understand how to live
..i think i'm a failure
..i question how one is able to stomach eating mushrooms
[i love 'em, btw], when they are in fact, considered
fungus
..i wish i could draw
..i'm disgusted with the world
..i question what life would be like had i not been born
gay
..i peek when i am kissed & vice-versa
..i wished that my father were still alive, so i could
make up for not being able to physically hug & kiss him
goodbye
..i walk through the rain w/out the use or care of an
umbrella
..i wonder what it would be like to have the ability to
read people's minds
..the thought of life w/out laughter scares me
..i question whether plants can actually hear us [my next
door neighbor elsa, an elderly greek woman (whom i simply
adore!) swears singing & talking to her orchids keeps them
healthy (shrug)] ::: blink :::
..i find that words aren't necessary.. when often times,
they are the source of misunderstanding
---------------------------------------------------


---------------------------------------
Micheal: do i want to read this ?
Me: read what?
Micheal: did you not just me an email?
Me: yeah
Me: it just says I'm sorry
Micheal: yeah sorry i lost my temper, I have had very
little sleep...and i am pysically sick from crying, so if
I said anything to offend, sorry
Me: nah..I understand
Me: but you told me you weren't 'close' to anyone...
Micheal: bullshit,
Micheal: well it would seem I was now wouldn't it?
Me: I didn't say anything about the way you seem
Me: things are more than just what they seem
Micheal: for one she was in band we are a family....plus
she was a great friend to me...she was one of the best
people I have ever had the pleasure of calling on of my
friends
Micheal: so as you can see I am at quite a loss here
Me:yeah
------------------------
Why do I continue to put up with people like him. He
reminds me so much of 'HIM'

I guess I'm just going to go.
I've got to work tonight and I've got to get my crap
together for Aliceia's bday party tomorrow..
I just feel like shit and I want to cry...
I really just want to cry myself to sleep right now...
later...




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