forever changing
2003-03-27 04:55:33 (UTC)

so many me's

i can't get him out of my head and it's driving me
CRAZY!!!!! no matter what i do i am always thinking about
him grrrrr i can't stand this. AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. i keep
hoping that one day i wil come home from school or work and
there will be a message on my machine from him saying that
he still loves me and wants to be with me again but i know
it's never goin to happen because it couldn't. that would
be too easy, too perfect, perfect is not how my life is
there is always complications. there has to be some
complications or else it wouldn't be right with matt it was
too easy right off the bat it was way too easy i should
have known it would end with me dreaming about him and
wishing he still loved me. wow i am way off my rocker now!
isn't it grand what a guy can do to you?
they can make you fall then leave you on the floor with
nothing but sweet memories that taste sour and old but
still you crave them like a child craves the embrase of
their mother because once it tasted so sweet and you long
to taste the sweetness on your tongue once more but now it
is gone from your reality and left only in your dreams
wow i have no clue where that came from... well yes i do
but i didn't know it would come out like that i didn't know
i would let it come out at all. i think that this journal
has been good for me because it lets me get out the stuff i
never thought i needed to get out at all. sometimes i swell
up with so much crap and i don't let it out until i am at
the point where i am about to burst and then i just get
frusterated and i have to talk to some one or something
and i have to organize my thoughts in some way and it is
usually it ends up being david that i spill out to and i
feel bad that i lay all my confused emotional crap on him
and i hope he knows that i truely appeciate it and if he
ever needs to talk to someone he can come to me because i
want to be there for him like he is there for me. he knows
so much more about me than most people do and as far as i
can tell he understands me better than i let most people
with out hiding myself from them.
sometimes i feel like ten different peopl well maybe not
ten but at least two or three. the most dominate dreaming
of the dead romance between me and and the first guy i let
myself fall completely in love with and searching for some
kind of acceptance while maintaining at least a little bit
of my true self, the second feeling guilty about wanting to
flirt with a guy i like but know i shouldn't get involved
with like that because my friend likes him and is just
completely confused and then there is the third me who is
just sick of drama and wants to be herself but is so afraid
to step into the spotlight that she makes sure she is the
one to step aside in the case that could make someone happy
if it causes me a lil pain i can hide that pain, finally
there is the fourth me and this is the me that almost only
comes out when i am in the pool playing water polo and that
is the me competitive and agressive me who doesn't care
about how i look or who is looking at me i just play diving
for that block and giving it my all completely free of my
other selves if only i could alway sbe like this. carefree
just me there is so much more that i could put into my
little blurbs about the different mes but i am not quite
sure they would fit yet maybe someday i will figgure it
out . . . maybe