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2003-03-26 06:24:23 (UTC)

the air is thin here, nothing..

the air is thin here, nothing moves.
your clothes are exhausted, your eyes closed.
you have nothing to lose because you dont have anything,
anything you want anyway.
now youre 26, have nothing to show for it. you wait to be
surprised. youre still waiting.
what happened to you caroline?
where was i when it happened?

I really love nicole blackman. i should order her other

in any case, i miss her sometimes. we hung out the other
day.. after work. we got out early, only stayed for an
hour and then we got lunch and went to walmart and i went
to her apartment and saw her puppy. hes so cute the
coolest dog i've ever seen. i didnt tell matt. i figure.
if he doesnt bother to ask "whatd you do today" or
whatever, why should i volunteer information that hes going
to get mad about for all the wrong reasons.
i dont think shes happy... and that makes me sad.
sometimes i wonder why i didnt meet her first. could i
have loved her as unfalteringly as him, if he had not been
in the picture?
i wish shed ditch the bitch, regardless. that fucking
nasty slutty whore is totally using her and i hate her as
much as i ever did. you know if it had been this long and
i saw caroline and she was happy and she was in love, i
honestly think i could be happy for her.. and put aside my
personal hatred for that trashy bitch. but shes not
happy. and shes not in love. not with that cunt anyway.
but shes a sucker, shes too nice... she was too nice to me
and shes way too nice to this slut. shes too easily
influenced. and at least when i was around i was a GOOD
kind of influence on her... she wasnt smoking and i could
yell at her and make her go to class. but this worthless
piece of trash. ugh. i hate her. i really honestly hate
her. and not just cus im jealous or something. fuck that im
not jealous of her big fat slut ass... i just wish she'd
disappear. get a fucking job and a fucking car and a
fucking life and go away.

i dont know why im off on a rant about that tonight. it
was really nice to see her though. i wish things were

but that goes for just about everything, too. so hey.
sometimes i wonder why i bother. thinking too much. about
this stupid war. about how my future is sure to get fucked
up one way or another. maybe matts right. maybe i
should "start doing the pot." maybe ive been wrong all
along. who needs to be conscious and analyzing everything
to the extent that i do? maybe i need to just chill and
mellow out and kill some brain cells. stop thinking.

this weekends guna be great though. something to look
foward to.

you know whats funny. i just looked at my entry from today last
year. and it was the night my mom said she'd rather leave me and him
then have to keep dealing with shit.. and i was so hurt i just left.
i remember that night like it was fucking YESTERDAY... i was driving
around in a daze and i had cut and there was blood everywhere and i
went to matts and he wouldnt even hug me he was like thats gross go
home... and i went to claudias and i finally went home and i swore i
was getting out of there as soon as possible... i cant believe that
was a YEAR ago. god damn. and the entry from yesterday a year ago i
was missing caroline... once a problem finds me it sure sticks doesnt