i am nothing
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2003-03-26 02:05:38 (UTC)

this sux

ok im just praying and hoping really bad that mark reads
this. ok so ya, this entry is like, mainly for mark. so ya.
ok well ill type it as if i dont know if he's gonna read it
or not. w/e. ok well ya i just finished reading the last
entry he wrote. kinda makes me sad....then mad....really
odd. i have to reason to be mad, yet i am. heres my thing.
ok i do love mark. just not like that. i mean, i love
everyone. (except one person i dislike greatly.....we'll
leave this person anonymous.) i'm just that kind of person.
i'm a touchy-feely, loving person. i like to be friends
with everyone. but some see me as "too friendly". such as
matt. matt DOES like me. he's told me this. and i DO like
matt as well. he said the only thing stopping him from
getting back together with me is my "issue" with the guys.
he says im too friendly with them. especially mark. so i
told him that i could change. change being me not talking
to guys as much. but, knowing matt, i have to cut it down
to talking to him 49% of the time, and my friends 49% of
the time, and then other guys 2% of the time. so i told him
i'd do it. mark came up to me yesterday (monday) and
started talking and it was the hardest thing for me to sit
there and TRY to not talk to him. sometimes i just want to
give up on every guy in the world b/c they're all the same.
ok, mark "loves" me, yet i get crap from him about the
guys. same with billy. same with josh. same with matt.
hmm...seems to be a regular thing here huh? so ya im trying
to cut it down for the guy i really like. in turn though,
im really hurting some one i really care about (mark). and
matts really nervous about mark. he thinks that im gonna go
and do what i did with josh with mark, b/c i told matt that
mark is just my friend....and i said the same about josh,
and ya we know what happened there. so ya im like totally
depressing mark, making him want to kill himself, when im
supposed to be releaving him from this and im just like,
dude, wth!? ahhh i dk its just like everythings always on
me and everyones always on my back. im always doing
something wrong it seems like. i just cant take it....its
so annoying. its the worst thing, to feel like no matter
what you do, you lose. "damned if you do and damned if you
dont" in my mother's words. no one else seems to realize
what this feels like....except mark. thats one of the
awesome things about mark. he feels some of the things i
feel....and some of the things i felt. and i just want to
help him leave all the crap behind him....and maybe we can
get thru these times we're going thru now together....just
not be together. ok ya i know this all sounds really
odd.....but i really care about mark. i dont want him to do
anything to himself that would hurt everyone that cares
about him (theres a lot of ppl). but if i talk to mark, i
wont get what i want....thats matt. i just dk what to do
anymore. BUT my time here is thru, as i need to go get
squeaky clean in my shower. later