Anrui Kurayami

Kurayami's Tears
2003-03-25 21:10:55 (UTC)

Family Portrait

I'M DISTURBED!!!!

I was about to go on Google [a search engine], and it came
up with loadsa kiddy porn sites!!! My dad must have been on
them!

Oh well.... as long as he doesn't get caught, I'm not one
to talk. Just, I wish he would hide it a little better, ya
know?

RAF today. It was good. I feel really proud to be able to
do such a thing, ya know? I may not be strictly English,
but I do feel strongly for Britain as a whole.

Today in school was funny. Me and Suiren wrote "Vegeta
loves Goku forever" all over our textbooks. ^^;;

She downloaded this really funny video of Piccolo singing
about being a cucumber. ¬¬ it was piss funny! This led to
me calling everyone in the army section a cucumber, which
led to them calling everyone in the RAF
section 'blueberries'. Heheh. It woz piss funny.

The army are a load of arseholes though. They ruined our
marching!!!!!!

Anyway, i said I would enclude a few poems... I can't be
arsed writing much tonight, so i'll post all of em.

One thing, I'm really into Squall/Laguna from FF8. It's
incest, but Laguna never even SAW Squall till he turned up
in Esthar.

Much love
~Anrui Kurayami~ xoxox

Fave Words:

Friendship, love, soul, joy

Newest Saying: Love is love, no matter what.

Poetry:-

I. Reach For My Mask

It’s time to hide the pain inside
Once more, I know they won’t understand
So it’s time to bring out the old mask
The mask of a face
Happy; enjoying life
Now the broken rag-doll I have become
Craving love and hoarding every kind word
What would they think of me?
To know would be worse
So I’ll do what comes natural
I’ll reach for my mask
Waiting in my mind
Mold it to my face
Smile; I can’t let them know
How much I hurt
Hide the scars, hide the pain
A fresh scar burned into my flesh
Like the smell of metallic blood, my own.
I’ve got to hide the pain; hide the tears
So I turn back in my mind
Reach for my mask to cover my broken spirit
Reach for my mask.

[Notes: people call this powerful. I call this; me. I used
to need that mask so much i think i would have died without
it. Written the night Tom dumped me. I was still crying and
bleeding.]

II. Not As Strong

Through it all
I’m holding myself up
I’m looking strong
Didya ever think
I’m not as strong as that mask?

I tried to keep it up
Strong façade
Guess I succeeded
What will happen when
I finally crack?
Will you understand me then?

I know you knew me then
But what about now?
There’s a time bomb buried
Deep inside in my heart
I know you don’t see it
Just the mask
Reinforced too many times
Didya think
Ever when I looked so strong
That I wasn’t as strong as that mask?

I’m holding up well
To your eyes-
My mask is cracking
It’s what’s beyond
Jumping off the walls
Dead already
While my heart
Still beats?

I’m not as strong as that mask
Inside, I’m dying
Why won’t someone see it?
Does anyone care?

[Notes: Written before I met Tom, when me and my two best
friends were going through a rough patch. A bit despairing
really, but we all now I was suicidal.]

III. Crimson Tears

My eyes are dry
All my tears already shed
So I cannot cry
As before, I let my blood
Cry for me.
Beading scarlet on my arm to run down my arm
Crimson tears on white.
My tears will not fall
So I let my actions cry for me
A blade cutting into my arm
Cutting into my heart
Spilling ruby tears
Crimson tears replace salt
Warm and full of life
Against my milk white skin
Pulsing with a heartbeat
My life is dying
However my body may seem.
My soul is under siege
Soon to crack, to fall, to fail…
And still my eyes are empty
So I let my crimson tears
Cry for me.

[Notes: Written when I could no longer cry. It's been
described as powerful, very deep and perhaps a little
troubling. Written when I felt hopeless and
inspirationless.]

IV. Leave Me Lonely

I knew it would come to this before long
This crying alone; deserted for a prettier face
But it doesn’t make the pain any easier to bear
Perhaps worse, knowing I have been proved right
When I hoped so much I was wrong.
I knew you’d leave me lonely
Curled up with a shattered heart once again
Didn’t think I could make you love me
And it’s bitter victory knowing I was right.
Where will I find another
To make me feel complete?
Now you’ve left me so lonely.
You don’t know what it cost to trust you
Pain, and hope; praying you wouldn’t leave me.
Should have known my hopes were all in vain
Should have known you would leave me like this
Tears of pain and hopelessness
Welling up in my soul once again.
Not my first love, not my last love
They all say my heart will heal,
I believe them; I know it’s true
But how deep will the scars be?
Do I still hold a place for you in my heart?
Now you’ve left me so lonely,
Though I knew how it would be at the start.

[Notes: To Tom. Despair again? Raw emotion, regret, missing
him. I really did love him, whoever says a thirteen year
old cant fall in love is wrong.]


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