lee_the_messed_up_punk

my #ucked up life
2003-03-25 15:33:10 (UTC)

under water

7:44am Tuesday morning

I got a lot of shit I feel like getting off my chest
so this will probably be a long one, plus I got four beers
and hate TV(nothing better to do).

I finally ended up getting my T4 slip from the gas
station. My old boss sounded really happy to hear from me
stating,

'Hi dear!'.

If you can remember that far back I didn't really
leave that job on a wonderful note but I think she
understood. It was really nice to hear her voice, she's a
great person.

A few days ago I was sitting here with C, good friend
and I asked him for Mar's number. Way, Waaaayyyy back, I
used to write about her but nothing really aspired from our
relationship. The last time I saw her was at my last show
(that kicks fucking ass). To refresh your memory, she's
the small, very cute, Asian girl that I had a suttle crush
on.

I called her and she also sounded happy to hear from
me. We talked for a bit, the usual,

'What did you do on the weekend.'

'Nothing much.'

'I lost your number'

'So did I, I just got it from C.'

'We should chill sometime.'

'Ya, for sure'

'Bla bla bla.'

'I'll call you on the weekend.'

'Bla bla...bla...l8ter.'

I could tell that she was still interested in me and
hopefully will chill sometime in the near future. Like I
said before, I don't really wanna have sex with her, just
to chill out and maybe kiss a bit is fine with me, haha,
fuck, me and my gay crushes...anyways.

I had nothing better to do last week so I called this
party line that gives you free minutes when you get a new
number. It connects people from all over Canada and you
chat about stupid shit, like,

'What do you do for fun?'
'What do you look like?'
'Where are you from?',
and so on and so...

I met a bunch of chicks but have only kept in contact
with three. One 30, one 22 and one 17. Don't ask about
the age gaps, I'm fucked up. What is age anyways?

The 30 year old is mature but young at heart. She's a
bartender out of town and is moving into a house either
here or in B.C. The 22 year old is friends with the 30
year old and seems really easy going. The 17 year old is
great, she skates, has a laugh that makes me laugh and is
totally immature an we like the same bands.

I have no clue if I'll ever meet any of these chicks,
or even if I'll be attracted to them but it sure wastes
time. Way better than TV, besides, all that's on TV these
days are pictures of Irac being bombed and blurbs about the
war...yes it began.

Yesterday was sooooo messed, I have to give you a run
down.

After getting my T4's, starting a chequing account,
cutting my hair(finally), I booked an appointment to get my
taxes done. I booked it for 9:15AM, thinking that I'd just
go there after work and be completely awake, wide
eyed...thought wrong.

I didn't actually bother reading the schedule, finding
out after that it was an inventory day and my shift wasn't
from 11:30PM to 6:00AM, but 6:PM to 12:30AM...very shitty.

I got off at 12:00, not taking my lunch, bussed it
home and contemplated what I should do with my time before
my appointment. Hmmmmm, a fridge full of beer. So there I
went again, one lead to two, two lead to four and so on. I
must have drank at least seven before passing out at around
5 or 6AM, three hours before I had to be up.

1PM

Fuck, I slept in, wayyyyy in. I called the tax office
and there was no problem, they re-scheduled me to 2:30PM,
still drunk(I think), took a shower, ate, drank a hell of a
lot of liquid, then got on my bike.

Not knowing that it was insanely windy and fucking
cold I really wanted to turn back but if I did I would have
missed it and couldn't. I didn't have this months rent and
this was basically my only chance to get it taken care of
before the 1st of April. Fuck, fuck, fuck, was it ever
windy...

About half way there I herd someone call my name,

'Lee!!!'

Haha, it was Ger, the dude who used to work with me at
the supermarket. Shit, I haven't seen him since that party
way back. I told him I'd stop by at his house on my way
back and proceeded to the tax office.

Everything went smooth, got there, got it done,
stopped off at a couple of stores, met up with Ger, went to
his house, refused weed and went back home. This is where
the fun began, the nightmares(as usual).

After checking my messages(dad & chick looking for
me), emails(spam and more spam) and so on, I lay in bed.
It was about an hour before my first lucid dream.

I don't wanna describe them all but I must have had at
least 5 horrific dreams, scarrier than any horror movie,
any war, almost anything. What do they fucking mean?

Most of them took place in my room, as usual. I'd be
laying in bed, sleeping and wake up. I'd feel a presence
in the room. Since it was dark, unable to see, to the
light switch I'd wonder not thinking anything of
anything...until it didn't work.

Like always, the first sign of these dreams are that
lights don't work in them, I can barley speak and body
movement is awkward. Almost as if moving under water.

Every time this happens, when I click the switch and
nothing happens, I get unbelievably terrified. Not because
I'm scarred of the dark, just because I know something is
about to happen, almost anything seems possible when I'm in
this state. Wtf, and yes, I'm serious. I know when these
dreams are taking place, that's the most messed up thing
about them.

They all happened one after the other, some lasting
only minutes, others around fifteen to twenty mins. I can
remember all of them but the last one really stuck out,
almost haunting me as I type.

--

My eyes opened, the room was somewhat lit from the
light shining through the curtains as I looked around.
Seemed real, everything looked normal. This dream was
about the fifth one so I thought, this can't be another one.

I got out of bed and felt the feeling. As if I was
under water, body vibrating, unable to speak properly.
Someone was talking, sounded male, almost like a
newscaster...no TV on. I couldn't tell where it was coming
from.

Knowing anything could happen, it felt so real that I
didn't want to bang the floor, for real, this was too
real. I closed my eyes and said over and over again in my
head,

'This is only a dream, this is only a dream, this is...'.

Nothing

I then buried my head in the couch, not wanting to see
anything I felt in the room. Then it happened.

This was strange. The most amazing feeling came over
my body. First falling and pressure on my head, as if
someone or something was trying to squish it. After that,
everything went still and the voice stopped. It felt as if
I began to fly at a very fast speed. I wasn't in my room
anymore. Amazing lights flew past me, almost as if I was
in some sort of a tunnel. I know this sounds fucked but
aren't all 'dreams'.

It stopped. I was now floating in thin air as these
light's surrounded me, they had life, looking at them to me
felt just like looking at a person, I felt safe. Like
northern lights they flickered.

I said, 'Who are you?'.

'I'm M...'(two or more syllables).

It was a female voice and I recognized it right away.
The only weird thing is that at the present moment I'm
unsure who it is/was. Then everything made sense,
everything she told me, everything she said. Her voice was
hypnotic, almost sounded computerized.

After she told me a bunch of things the lights
reversed and I felt like I was flying backwards back
through the tunnel. Then BAMM, back in bed I was. A burst
of energy flew through my body and on the real, it felt
like I fell on my bed, like I actually was somewhere else.

This was the final out of the lucid dreams, the least
terrifying one but the most odd. The others were the same
as usual, I'd awake in my room, hear voices that I couldn't
make out, feel under water, lights wouldn't work, pressure
on my head, arms and so on. This one was special, I felt
like I actually accomplished something...but what?

When I did awake, I was instructed to write everything
down but chose not too. I thought to myself, if this was
real, I'd remember her name. All I can remember is that it
started with a M, none of the remaining dialog, just the
experience.

Maybe this was just a dream, maybe it wasn't, can't
really say. I just wish I wrote everything down. Maybe
then, it would make more sense.

After having a few other nightmares after
that, 'experience', I finally got up. Fuck this, I
thought, what's the point in sleeping.

All day, the ear that I herd the voice in, my right,
rang, even at work. A high pitched ring. Was it ever
annoying.

One good thing, that after these dreams, getting on
the buss was like nothing. I already went to hell and back
so what was a bunch of people, going to work, home, school
etc ...I sat there thinking of these dreams. What do they
mean, if anything at all...

When I read my horoscope in the daily news, it read,

'There is something buzzing around your head today and it's
not a fly.'

I read this after hours of hearing that ringing sound
so it struck me as funny, couldn't help but laugh. What a
fucked up life.

--

Work went fine, there were odd moments but the
majority of my shift flew by. One more day, than another
day off.

I've been working on this insane song. The
instruments are all recorded and placed to perfection, all
I have to do is write. Through the song I placed ocean
waves, maybe somewhat inspired by my odd dreams. Can't
wait to write.

For now, I'm gonna drink my four beers(on number two),
check my emails, sites, etc, then get some rest. My dreams
are always better when I sleep in the day. Something about
the night...

I'm thinking, I'll spend my day off either working on
that song or invite either Mar or Mish over(Mish is the
skater chick) to chill with some brews and blunts. I get
my income tax cheque this evening but prob won't pick it up
until the morning. Rent's fine for this month, plus I have
a couple hundred dollars extra. I could pay off some debts
but I'll probably end up wasting it on useless poisons.

Until this song is done, I'll feel human again. I
have a strong feeling it's gonna be great.

l8tz
lee

It's funny how my spell checker doesn't pick up the
word 'fuck', like fuck isn't a work or something. I love
the word fuck, say it all the time. What's the point in
monitoring your dialog to fit into a class. I'll say what
the fuck I want until I die...fuck.

Maybe these dreams aren't dreams but out of body
experiences which could explain the reason why I know a lot
about people I've never met before I even engage in
conversation. Maybe my mind creates these dreams to
overcome anxiety, almost forcing me to see worse, so that
situations I'm presently scarred in, seem like nothing.
Maybe I have mental problems and need sikeatric treatment.
Maybe this has more to do with my past, maybe maybe
maybe...Maybe my body keeps wanting to die but something is
holding me back, an energy. Maybe there just messed up
dreams that seem all too similar. Maybe, maybe, maybe...

Who knows?

Sleep time, bring it on.

Btw, I got an email from a label, saying there really interested...

nice...






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