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dbnsfg
2003-03-25 10:16:31 (UTC)

I Told Him Everything

he called last night, around 10ish, it started off as me
being avoidy and generally bitchy and him begging for me to
tell him what was wrong.. i went downstairs to make a
drink, and it all came out.. about her, about me, about
what was said to simon.. he got really upset, said he didnt
see it coming, that it was best if we weren't together
anymore because it clearly wasnt working.. i kept saying
sorry, thumping myself in the head in some desperate hope
that my brain may have fallen out of my head, rendering me
deceased.. didnt work, clearly, cos im still here, but it
was worth a try.. my battery started beeping at me, so i
went back to my room (thats here!) and plugged it in, and
we talked more.. there was lotsa silence and stuff, and i
kept saying sorry.. i kept trying to tell him how i feel,
and the words wouldnt come out.. and when they finally did,
those damn three words that make everyones lives so fucking
difficult.. he said i was lying.. granted, he was upset,
but bleh.. then we talked more, about stuff i cant even
remember, and he decided that he thought he wanted to try
again, that he was making a big mistake and that he was
stupid for not walking away.. he is stupid, i dont deserve
him caring about me after everything ive put him through,
like i do to everyone else, cos im a heartless bitch with
no compassion.. he kept saying how he'd never talk about me
behind my back, how i shouldnt believe anyone on here,
unless ive spoken to him first and he's told me whats going
on.. i guess im more naive than i thought, but thats just
the way i am, i dont know how to change it, and no matter
how many times he tells me i have to, im never gonna.. i
wouldnt be me if i did.. sitting here now, while we're on
the subject of him, i figured i'd set the story straight
about what the 'situation' is, or at least tell you as much
as i know, which isnt a whole lot, but heh.. ven and i
broke up, then after talking a lot he decided if i wanted
to, he wanted to try, once more, and if it didnt work, fuck
the world.. i cant meet simon.. yeah, i was supposed to
keep it a secret, and im sorry, but i cant because im still
attracted to him, and if anything were to happen, if i was
to cheat on ven again.. i dont think i could stand to be
around myself.. the person i wanna get close to is nik, and
ven was right when he said something was there, just not in
the way he imagined.. i dont want to be 'with' nik, i just
want to know him, i want to be part of him.. he excites me
and interests me and did i mention how hott his voice was?
*drooles*.. seriously though, i dont want to be with him,
you people have to realise this.. and yeah, i love j, sue
me.. ive loved j since i first 'knew' him, and he has one
of the most amazing minds ive ever known.. he's the
intellect i crave.. he's what i know i'll never have.. and
ven knows that sometimes he does get put into second best
position, but im gonna try really hard this time, im gonna
make it work, for him.. for me.. i need this, i need
someone, and he needs me.. and i guess maybe i really do
love him.. like i wrote previously, like months ago :/, a
smart guy once told me that there's different levels of
love.. and in saying that, you should realise that yeah, i
love two people, but they cant compare to each other.. they
both give me different things, and i need both of those
things.. i love them both because i love what they give
me.. how they make me feel.. geez, this is starting to look
even more shallow.. what im trying to get at, is that
although i'll never be able to spend time with j in person,
and i may never speak to him away from this pile of poop,
he's a big part of me, and he brings out a good part of me,
and im always going to consider him important to me..
whereas ven, he's sweet, he's always around when im down
and we're amazing together in person, and he makes me feel
comfortable, wanted and yeah, maybe happy.. i dont know, my
brains suddenly drawn a blank and all i can hear is l-fkn-
p, loud as erm something very loud, blasting through the
wall from becca's room.. she stole all my music :(
anyways.. im gonna go, i have to go out at 1, and chances
are it's gonna take me a few hours to get ready cos im
still half asleep.. :( *waves*




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