jessica ryan

venting machine
2003-03-25 08:01:51 (UTC)

didn't make it to church

so, yesterday i'm headed to church back on the back
highway. this lady doesn't look as she's making a left
hand turn and turns right in front of me. i knew i was
going to hit and could only decide if i wanted to hit the
front of her car, the middle, or the back. i chose the
front... well, not i but God. had i hit the middle the
lady probably would've been seriously hurt. had i chose
the back, i probably would've been seriously hurt. i
pulled off the road and just tried to have a good attitude
about it. the woman took full responsibility so that was
awesome and i just kept cracking jokes... i guess that's my
way of dealing with things. i have yet to cry about it all
which sorta worries me because, well, i'm a girl and girls
are usually known for their water-works. i'm sure it'll
hit me sometime. today i saw my car sitting right next to
the woman's car at the tow-truck lot. it was like seeing
all the damage at once, in total. i'm so amazed that no
one broke anything. carly's face hurts her and she's
pretty sore. the lady seemed fine after we hit her. and i
have "mere flesh wounds", bruises, scrapes, burns, and some
significant soreness around the back and neck areas.
nothing a little ointment, muscle relaxer, and 800 miligram
ibuprofin won't take car of. it was pretty wierd to see
gregory (my car) sitting there all munched up. i cleaned
him out and said good-bye to my old friend, although i am
going back tomorrow for one more thing. it was sad to say
goodbye. that car had personality. there will never be
another gregory. all this doesn't matter. i'm escaping my
life again in my shallowness. i really wasn't scared when
we first hit. i just thought about my parents being mad
(they weren't) and about carly freaking out (she didn't).
but when i went to the yard today and saw that car and how
broken it was my heart broke too. it wasn't funny like i
had made it out to be. i mean, it was funny because of so
many little things, but i forgot to look at the serious
side along with the funny. i'm not affraid of dying or
anything because i know my hope lies in heaven and for sure
not here. but it was weird to think that God let me hit
the other car in the right spot so no one died. and He let
me live so i can continue pressing on "toward the goal for
which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus"
crazy. i feel like i've been complaining a lot about my
injuries. i hate that. who am i that i should hold myself
so highly. obviously my life is a vapor, so why do i think
complaining will accomplish anything? i'm just selfish
really. i want people to feel bad for me even though i say
i don't. i want people to know that i'm hurting, even
though it's pretty obvious. i also want people to know i'm
strong, that's why i joke around. really i was torn up
when i saw my car today. yesterday i was funny because i
think that carly needed that, i did too. but today i
should have seen the serious side too. i mean, i should
have learned things today but i was too busy running my
mouth and not being thankful. i am so shallow it kills me
sometimes. i play like i'm cool when all i want to do is
run and hide in the loving arms of my Father.
sidenote- i hate that people act like you're weird when
you're real. you tell them how you really feel without
complaining and they can't handle it. they're so used to
empty conversations that real ones make them feel crushed.
i hate it.
back to the incident. right now i feel like i've learned a
lot but still could've learned more if i had taken it all
in. it was crazy yesterday. today... i'm on drugs so it's
crazy "fo sho". i'm glad now that i see how God was
totally there, no doubt. He's already saved my soul, i
wouldn't think that my life meant much... how awesome it is
that He still cares. i think this is His way of telling me
that i can still be used. He still has a plan for me
here. He knew i needed to know that. dang! my God
rocks! hehe... He is the rock!

*thank you Lord for knowing everything and letting me take
a peak.*

until further broadcasts... peace out.




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