Toby Monke

The Green Cellar Beat Renaissance
2003-03-25 06:03:40 (UTC)

struggling with my thoughts

Dear Rachel, Meg, Erin, Megan, Nate, Grant, Ben, and Mark:

I'm not exactly sure why I'm addressing this to you
specific people other than the fact that you are my best
friends in the world. Among all of the friends I have made
over the years, you are the ones that have stuck with me
and that I love most dearly. So, I guess I want you to pay
the most attention to this. I know not all of you will
read this entry because many of you don't even know this
diary exsists, so I consider it a symbolic gesture.

All of you (except perhaps Nate, because he's away in the
military) are aware that this has been one of the hardest
if not THE hardest year of my life. I don't think I need
to go over the reasons why.

Most--if not all--human beings go through a long period of
self discovery and undergo huge and long lasting life
changes during these years of there lives. I have no doubt
that each and every one of you are going through the same
period right now. So, I don't expect advice or assume to
thik I am the only person having such feelings. But, I
feel the need to get these things off my chest. For the
most part, this is a journal entry for myself, but because
i love you all so much, I want to share it with you
nonetheless.

Before I go any further (farther?) I'd like to share with
you a poem I wrote today while "studying" in the library:

ALL MY INK IS VOMIT!!!

I am big-headed, selfish, immature, and lazy.

I am not profound;
I will never be profound.

I am not original;
I will never be original.

I will not be remembered.

My pride is my folly;
My naiivite: my death;

And, my cynisism: my sadness.

This poem will never be read
or analyzed by English students,
and no one will give a shit.

--matt dp

Truthful?
Maybe.

Melodromatic?
Probably.

Sad?
I'm sorry.

But not really. It conveys my feelings in an
extremely condensed and vauge way.

Hey, I never said it was a good poem!

Here, let me elaborate:

Actually, you know what? Fuck it. I'm too tired.

NO! I can't do that... see, this is where my problems lie:

I want to be a little kid forever. I don't want to grow up. I don't
KNOW HOW to grow up. I recognize all these problems inside me, yet I
push them to the back of my mind. I never want to deal with them.

Problem #1: I'm a lazy little fuck (actually, it's the only real
problem, but it just shows up in different ways).

I know what you're probably thinking: We all are! Suck it up and
stop whining!

But that's where I believe I differ. While most people are lazy,
they suck it up and do what they have to do. Right? Well, I don't.

* I can never do school work. In high school it was easy. My
grades didn't really matter, besides, things were pretty damn easy.
I didn't have to study and I did pretty well for myself,
considering. I got a 2.8 GPA--not genius, but decent--and an 1180 on
my SAT's. I never felt life my grades mattered much. It turned out I
was right: I got into every college I applied to but one (that's 4
schools) and a considerable ammount of scholarship money from each.

I figured once college rolled around, I would get on the ball because
things would be more interesting and I didn't have my parents
breathing down my neck. I also figured that would make things even
easier; that i didn't havre to work at all! (I did this semi-
subconciously, and am only now realizing this was the attitdue I
had). Obviously, I was wrong. I am not in danger of flunking out of
a school I adore which would mean I would lose a great oppertunity
for college and I would have to leave friends and a girl I love.

One would think this would motivate me to get my stupid gimpy little
ass in gear. Wrong again. Now what the FUCK is wrong with me!!!!
This is not the first time somthing like this is happened. It's been
my ass on the line and I've done shit. I feel like I am physically
INCAPABLE of motivating myself. I don't know what to do.

* I can never exercise. Now, for an ordinary person, especaially
in this stage of life, this is really not much of a problem. Eat
realitively healthy and don't sit on your ass all day and you'll be
fine. But for me it's a bit different. I have CP and if I DON'T
exercise, I'll be in a wheelchair at 30. Again, you'd think this
would motivate me. I don't know, for the life of me, why it doesn't.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFU
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FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFU
CKFUCK.........................FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GODDAMN ME!!!

i don't know what to do, i don't know how to fix myself. the only
answer is to just FUCKING DO IT! but i've been trying to do that MY
WHOLE LIFE! or have i? i don't know. i'm so goddamn confused.

i also can never get myself to clean my room. this isn't a real big
deal, but my place looks like a SHITHOLE!

One last thing before I crash after a day of doing JACK AND SHIT!

* I claim to be a writer, yet I hardly write. i'm too fucking
lazy. i claim to have a social coscience, but i hardly ever read the
news. as soon as somthing gets the least bit difficult, i stop
reading. i've even got a big head about my writing. i recognize
that i'm talented, but there are billions of writers EXCEEDINGLY more
talented than me. i guess there were so few good ones at LB that i
got so much recognition for my writing and it went to my head. now i
can't get it out.

even thought i know there are many writers more talented than me and
to be a well known and talented writer is one ogf my biggest dreams,
i can't fucking WORK at it. i don't understand myself.

i'm not original, i'm not creative... i just try to steal other
people's ideas and am too lazy to write them
down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


i'm really just rambling now... everything's too jumbled in my head.
i need to sleep. i love you all more than i can express.

**love! love! love! love! love! love! love! love! love! love! love!**

goodnight,

matt




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