Cold chillin

Bernie Calderon
2003-03-25 05:58:13 (UTC)

Figure me out

mood: sadness
song of the moment: bitch im broke by cody chestnutt
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm finding myself at a very unexpected place these days,
emotionally and mentally. I've been re-evaluating my entire
attitude towards life and my goals and have found that I'm
becoming increasingly uncertain as to how to proceed with
alot of things in my life.

For the past months I've found myself drawn to something
that defies all logic. Understanding the attraction is
perhaps illogical in and of itself. But the fact that I am
drawn to it and the fact that I continually question my
attraction to it causes me to pause and consider that
perhaps there are three options.

1) I genuinely am attracted. There is no logical
explanation. The attraction simply exists.

2) I'm attracted because aspects of it allow me the
possibility of experiencing something that I feel is either
lacking in my life or that I believe will enhance the way I
feel about life

3) I'm attracted to it simply because I'm trying to find
myself outside of myself. I'm attempting to fit in
somewhere

It could be any and all. These three scenarios could be
applied anywhere really. The problem is that I'm unable to
vocalize or at least discern the reason for the attraction.
And perhaps that itself is a problem - my need to define.

Then there's the issue of my life. I need to do what makes
me happiest. I can't live my life for other people. And
while their opinions certainly do weigh in, it is
ultimately my decision, and one that I will have to live
with. The question is whether I place priority over what I
*believe* to be the correct choie or whether I act on a
decision that I *feel* is the correct choice. The problem
with the latter is that because I am so emotionally fucked
up, to put it, what I feel may not be what I feel in two
months. And if I choose something, then I've chosen it for
life.

I don't know whether I'm actually scared to live life. I
know I'm rather emotionally inaccessible. The problem is
that I don't have a reason to blame for that. Is my
emotional frigidty hindering me from actually experiencing
the world? I don't know and maybe that's why I seek things
outside of myself. I know that I need to live. And I know
that there are so many other worlds outside of my small
circle. I know that sometimes the things we like are
unexplainable. I know that trying to understand everything
ultimately leads you to understanding nothing. And I know
that I have alot of faults. I'm very self-aware of those. I
could list every single fault I have. The one thing I don't
know is how to change all of that. Because what I've been
doing up to this point hasn't been working and it would be
stupid for me to continue to do that when I know that it
doesn't produce results. Do I abandon everything that I've
associated myself for the past few months? Or do I simply
continue and try to make sense of a life that I never
really appeared to understand.

bERNIe




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