FloydianSlip

Going Postal
2003-03-23 21:39:11 (UTC)

Figured it was time for me to start this again

I had already given up on writing in this as I said I
would and always do. My boyfriend decided to start one
and it reminded me that I started a journal for a reason.

I've been very angry all of this month. I hate basketball
and football and it annoys me when 4 out of the 5 of my
favorite stations are covering the game. The other one is
covering the war. I'd like to have some happy tunes while
driving the insanely boring distance from my house to
college.

I hate the band Creed. Someone needs to put the lead
singer out of misery...he has too much of a whiney voice.

I hate my life and most of the people in it. Everyone and
their brother has told me that I should have moved out of
state to get rid of all this shit years ago, but it's kind
of hard when you're making about 25 cents above minimum
wage, having a car constantly breaking down, and want to
get somewhere in life other than "would you like fries
with that?"

If you're so concerned about my well being by all means
open up a room in your house, help me find a better paying
job than $6 an hour, and quit giving me useless advice
that I've been dreaming about since 5. How about you give
me a free pre paid brand new car so maybe I can stop
putting money into that and save money for getting out for
once?

Max offered me a place to stay when I was 15 and I took
him up on the offer and then he didn't want me to move in
all the sudden. I could be sitting on the beach going to
UCLA not worrying about all this bullshit here in cow town
and working on getting over my problems instead of being
tortured by it.

I never wanted his money. I just wanted a way out of
here. It would have been nice to know that I would have
been living with someone that could have taken care of me
until I got on my feet.

John and his parents moved to California when I was 19.
John's parents wanted me to move with them...I even packed
my stuff. John's sister got pregnant so they ended up
using the room that was supposed to be with me for the
baby.

I hate my mom for all the shit she's put me through. I'm
angry at my dad for never putting up a fight to stop it
when he knew it was going on. I hate the rest of my
family for being just like her. I hate all the people who
ever said they'd be there and weren't. I hate those
people who just stood by and watched instead of standing
with me and helping when I had the chance to get out.
Most of all I hate myself for being so bloody useless.

I'm really angry at myself for being played like a fool
with Max. Out of all the years I knew him the only thing
I ever asked for was for him to take one day out of his
busy schedule and come and visit me. He never had the
time. I feel so dirty being used by him for whatever he
wanted me to be. I wish I could take it all back...he
never meant anything he said. I did...every word.

There's only one person who can reach me and that's my
boyfriend Jeremy. When I'm with friends and "family" I'm
not really there.




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