weezer2080

I'm a girl, not a band!!!
2003-03-23 03:08:26 (UTC)

Epiphany

Well, I'm very sunburned from watching my brother row
today and only got four hours of sleep, so I am not sure
how far I'm going to get with this, but at least I'll
start. This is the story of my trip to California.

It took 3 hours to actually leave the state of Florida
because a plane apparently needs flaps to actually fly. Go
figure. After trying unsucessfully to find new flaps,
Continental Airlines kindly supplied my Delta plane with
new flaps. Thank you Continental. I did miss my connection
in Dallas and there was chaos and confusion but I managed
to survive. I made it to CA intact and fine, yet without
luggage. It arrived most ceremoniously that night at about
2 in the morning. Lovely. But I digress.


I was picked up, and went to dinner. We went back home and
I crashed. My body was used to east coast time so I had to
sleep. Interesting side note; I LOVE WEST COAST TIME.
There just seems to be so much more time to do stuff. And
after dinner and drinks, etc., it was still early and time
to do more stuff.

I went to Balboa Island and saw where I used to live. I
have no memories of the the actual island, but I remember
the house. And it was exactly how I remembered it in my
mind. It was breathtaking. I was just floored. It was
almost holy. I was two and had my third birthday in that
house. And I remembered.

I saw sea lions at the SeaLion Resuce and the animals at
the shelter where Chris works. Chris' house is on top of
these hills, with big cliffs. Everytime we drove up into
the hills my ears would pop. You could walk out his front
door and down the driveway and see down the adjacent
street and the view was breathtaking. There were
snowcapped mountains and the city in the valley between.
There is no way that I can even begin to describe the
beauty of that place. I am in love with it.

I was suprised with a trip to Catalina for a night which
was awesome. It is a little island, well, not too little,
but go look at it on the map and you can see how big it
is. As I was saying, it's an island with rolling green
hills and few cars. Golf carts only please. I had been
bitching and moaning and begging Chris to find out about
going to Catalina for months and he refused to do it and
pissed me off. I had no idea that he had made reservations
and such. I was amazed. It was also the fact that I hate
suprises and can't keep good news to myself so I don't
expect other people to do it. But it was wonderful.
Exactly what I wanted to do. I had the best time. There is
so much, but it's just hard to put into words. I think in
pictures.

Okay, well, on to my epiphany. It's hard, but I'm glad.
And it's about time. Let me explain:

I made Chris take me to the beach one night. It was
chilly, but not cold. There was a full moon and the tide
was coming in. Lots of stars and just a beautiful, magical
evening. I could feel it. He couldn't, and I know he
doesn't fully understand, but I give him credit for
trying. It's hard to understand where I am. Anyways, I
pushed him into going to the beach and I was feeling five
years old. I seem to revert to age five when things are
magical and I have thinking to do. Looking at it in that
light helps me, don't ask why, just accept. I rolled up my
pants and took off my shoes and socks. I could feel a
decision coming, but wasn't quite sure what it was yet. I
needed to twirl.

Twirling throws your center of balance off. It allows you
to see the world sideways. You are flying and falling all
at the same time. It was time to twirl. I twirled through
the cold waves, singing to myself, making a fool of myself
in the darkness. And I thought and smelled the water and
felt the soft grinding of sand between my toes and tasted
the salt in the air and of my tears. I laughed and cried
and twirled until I was out of breath and couldn't tell up
from down. So I sat, and decided.

I decided that I am not in love with Chris anymore. It's
not right for me to hold on and hope for him to come
around and change his mind about me. Not fair to him, and
not fair to me. Why should I be wasting my time over
someone who doesn't love me back? That was the first very
hard epiphany that I had. The second was that I realized
that there is a world outside Florida. A very big one that
is so very different from here. I fell in love with
California. And I found that I would feel that way even if
Chris wasn't there. And I was suprised. And relieved.

It took a lot for me to get back on the plane to FL. But I
know that I won't be here forever. And it's getting to be
time for me to move on. I've been (unhappily) stuck in my
comfort zone here. I need to unstick myself. And I will.

Welcome to the world.


~L


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