Jai

Sex, drugs, rock and roll
2003-03-22 20:33:21 (UTC)

Maybe I am pregnant

Been crazy. Just two weeks ago I wrote an entry bitching about all
these rumours that I'm pregnant, and now it might actually be true.
And in that entry i also said "i'm too smart to get fucked up in that
shit"-meaning pregnancy....well now don't i feel like an idiot!
A few weeks back i was raped-and it just happened to be on the
day i was ovulating, and now I've missed my period-so things aren't
looking good. I didn't write about being raped because it was really
wierd for me-especially cuz it was my friend who raped me. I often
work alone during the night, and around 3 in the morning my friend
Andrew stumbled in totally drunk off his ass. We talked for a bit,
and he kept standing like really close to me and touching me, then he
started unbuttoning my shirt. I thought he was just kidding around
and I told him to stop and i kept doing my shirt back up, while he
kept unbuttoning it. He's like "cmon fuck me-i want you so bad" and
all this shit like that. I told him to order something or leave, cuz
I had work I had to do. Then he pulled me towards him and he unzipped
my pants, thats when i really realized he wasnt kidding around. He
took my pants off, and I tried to talk him out of it, and saying I'd
call the police. I couldnt physically fight him off-hes like your
stereotypical football player. He pulled me onto his lap and stuck
his dick up my pussy-no condom or anything....and what was really
wierd about that was that even though I didn't want it-it still felt
like really good. Like i was fighting him, but at the same time I was
enjoying it-though i was like in tears. While he fucked me I was
still telling him to stop, and hes like "you know you want it", and
talking dirty-it was just really messed up. This continued on until
he came-and after he asked me if i had a cigarette...he fucking
rapes me, and then asks for a cigarette-what a tool. He was acting
completely calm and normal, like it hadnt happened, and i yelled at
him to get out, and he gets all defensive like he didnt do anything
wrong. I told him to get out or I'd call the police so he finally
left.
A few days later Andrew called-and i was willing to at least hear
him out. He apologised, and said he felt really bad and asked if i
would meet him because he needed to talk to me in person. I agreed,
and i met him by his place, and he gave me flowers-sweet, unless you
think of why. We walked down to the beach (its empty at this time of
year) and he kept apologising a hundred times over and over, and
he said he didn't expect me to forgive him, and he didn't know why he
had done it-one thing had just led to another. I didn't say much, i
was trying to hold back tears, but i ended out crying, and he cried
too-probably the first time I've seen a grown man cry. He asked if i
was on the pill or anything-i told him i wasnt. and he asked if i was
pregnant-and i told him i didnt know, but not to worry about it. He
told me to tell him as soon as i get my period, and i said i would. I
didnt forgive him for what he did-but I'm willing to forget it, I
know its something he'd never do again-and everyone makes mistakes-so
we're gonna stay friends.
Well when i missed my period-i kinda lied, and told Andrew I got
it. He was relieved, and again apologised a hundred more times.
Theres a chance im not pregnant-sometimes i just miss my period for
no reason at all-maybe this is one of those times. I doubt it though,
and I'm going to take a pregnancy test to find out. I haven't used
drugs, smoked or drank since i found out i may be pregnant-it just
feels wrong. I know that at this point in a pregnancy its not even a
baby-more like a cluster of cells, and I'm sure doing drugs and shit
probably wouldn't hurt anything-but I just can't do it. Been kinda
sick too, without all the drugs-just giving up all of a sudden was
hard on me.
If i am pregnant, ill most likely get an abortion. I say most
likely because I don't want to make a decision as to what I'm doing
at least until I know whether I'm pregnant or not. If i am pregnant
I'm not sure whether I would tell Andrew or not-that would also
depend on whether I kept the baby too-and who the father is. The
night before the incident I had sex with Nathan, but he wore a condom-
and as far as I know it didn't break or anything-but theres still the
possibility....I don't want to just assume Andrew was the father, and
then later find out that was wrong.
It's wierd-I'm fairly indifferent about the whole thing-No
matter what the results of the pregnancy test are-I don't think it
would effect me emotionally...It's like I've already dealt with the
shock of being pregnant, so confirming it isnt a big deal. I could
actually, and this is really messed up, see myself being a bit upset
if I wasn't pregnant. Not like really upset, but just kinda grief
stricken.....even though i'm considering abortion. I will never get
the way i think-its too messed up. Well hopefully i'll be able to
post the results for next time.




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