eidolon

shifting mists
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2003-03-22 07:04:40 (UTC)

so tired...

...everyone close to me i end up screwing up their lives ... it's
like i rub off on them or something ... i bring them down ... in the
time they know me to the time we part ways it's almost as if their
lives become a slow downhill slide...

... what makes it worse is that they don't see it ... they believe i
somehow improve their lives... that i somehow make things better ...

and perhaps in some odd way i do ... i seem to make hard times
more 'tolerable' .. but i can't help but wonder if i wasn't a part of
their life would those hard times even exist in the first place? ...
i don't think that they would...

If I fall along the way
pick me up and dust me off
and if I get too tired to make it
be my breath so I can walk

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

...this whole marriage thing ... i'm scared ... really ... really..
really really scared .... .. that whole selective hearing thing i've
got going on comes in handy for a while .. but it's not foolproof...

...i know i'm a strong person ... but how strong am i really? ... how
much can i take before my cracked surface shatters? ... i've survived
so much... and like aged china i retain many cracks and chips
collected along the way .. especially on my emotional health ....
but ...... i'm so tired ...

can you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
get put back together

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

... if i wanted to be honest .. if i wanted to admit it to myself and
really get to the bottom of everything....

...right now... today .. yesterday ... growing under the surface ...
if i stop ignoring ... stop hiding ... all that's left is my
thoughts .. self destructive thoughts ... thoughts of death...
scenarios for dying ... it's all i can think about ....

... i can't carry on a decent conversation ... i can't concentrate
and absorb knowledge ... i can't SEE or THINK about anything
else .... so i hide it away ... ignore it ... bury my nose so deep in
books that even coming up for air has stopped... i should be checking
myself into a hospital somewhere for treatment ... or calling a
doctor .. or something.. should be... but .... i bury myself in pages
instead... fictional lives with happily ever after at the end... i
need help but i'm to scared ... or stupid ... to go get it ...

could you sympathize with my needs
I know you think I need a lot

.. i don't belong here .. i shouldn't be here .. damnit .. all the
times i've tried... through recklessness or outright action... and
i'm still HERE... it ... whatever 'it' is won't let me ....

..maybe i'm more screwed up than i thought ... ~frown~ ... what an
unpleasant thought that is... (yeah, right ... like my others
aren't?... actually ... the thoughts of death... when i relax and
just let them come... are kind of....... enjoyable.. soothing)..

I started out clean but I'm jaded
just phoning it in
just breaking the skin

...i just want the world to stop... everything ... everyone ... all
my thoughts .. dreams .. hopes.. fears ... i just want everything to
STOP ...

i'm so tired of being strong......

Lyrics courtesy of the song "Bent" by Matchbox20.


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