Visions Of Life
2003-03-22 03:14:09 (UTC)

Out Of Control

My emotions feel so out of control and the only place I
feel I can truly express myself is my journal. It wont
roll its eyes at me or think Im crazy...

I feel like a complete failure. I have a family reuinion
in July and I am going to embarass my mom...

I cant find a job. I am not in school (because of money).
I am wasting my potential, etc etc. And to top it off I am
ugly. I live with the man I am going to marry but am being
forced to hide the fact that we live together from my
family. I was hoping to at least have a ring by then but
because of financial issues, that will not happen. So when
the truth comes out that we live together, I will just be
seen as some whore who is shacking up with a guy to have
sex, not as a woman who is living with her future husband.
And Steve has this thing with not wanting to spend time
with my family. Or have me spend time with his mom. Family
is important to me and he needs to get to know mine and he
just wont do it.. He met my parents but its not enough.
His family isnt as close as mine. Its mainly just him and
his mom so he doesnt understand, not even when i tell him
how I feel. Its upsetting.

I want to be in school more then anything. I was supposed
to go back this semester but that got fucked up. My dad
says he will pay for school this summer but I dont see
this happening. I cant get financial aid and I cant pay
for it myself. I am wasting my life, my brain and will end
up some 40 year old loser doing teenager work.. *sigh*

I feel like I am ugly. I cant seem to lose weight no
matter what I do. I hate myself. I dont know how my bf
even looks at me without being sick.

I am just very depressed and no one seems to understand.
Oh, and Im still looking for a job. I am such a loser..