2003-03-22 02:23:10 (UTC)

what is it good for

on saint patricks day, there was this tall huge strong built
like a solid tree of a man, blond and pretty pretty my kinda
pretty, and i kept eyeing him and upon going to the
bathroom, he stopped me, took my hair into both of his
hands, and said "dont go anywhere yet, stay for just another
minue so i can play with this beautiful, curly hair." his
words made me melt, the endearing way he was looking at me,
and i titled my head up to look at him , smiled and said "
sorry, gotta pee." like the lady lookin for love that i am.
i didnt even have to pee that bad.
i do things like this all the time. then i feel sad when i
dont get hit on. i just like having th oppurtunity to
reject, i guess. maybe if he came over again, after that, i
mightve went for him. but in bars, and in general, but
mostly in the sickening meat market that most bars are, i
dont trust not a ssingle one of them. i know what horrible
creatures men are, not thinking of women as people, women
are just pussy. nothing substantial, they will even marry
you but that doesnt mean they think of you as a person .
thats just how alot of them are i think. maybe its all that
lecturing i've gotten from mike... telling me how guys are,
from my mother... from pretty much every male friend i've
ever had...
im too hyperconscious of men, what are they thinking of me.
im too hyperconscious about everything.
i was horny that night too. really horny. horny like i
havent been in i cant remember. but i didnt hook up with
anyone, although i could have, but i just didn't. i already
know too well that it's never worth it, for me, to be a slut.
the next day i was mental patient horny. sitting at work,
unable to concentrate. fidgety and rubbing against my chair
all day. contemplating going into the bathroom and
masturating. going through a list in my head of people i
could have sex with. i entertained some disturbing
possibilities. i was frenzied, aching, and no amouint of
masturbation was doing anything. realistically, chris was
the only one. i knew this even before i started listing
other guys. he is the only one, that he next day, i wouldnt
feel bad about. he aleady has so much of me, i know how he
feels about me. it was logical. i fought the urge to call
him tho, because i also knew, realistically, that it wouldnt
be the best idea. but he called around 9, and i took that as
a sign , and talked him into coming over. and he was sweet,
and good, and said the nicest things to me, slipped off my
pants and buried his face between my legs and made me come
before we did anything else like the gentleman he is, and
fucked me like a madman a dozen times with that bizarre cock
of his that never gets soft. i remembered how good we are,
physically, emotionall, intellectually, mentally, talk,
laugh, fuck, talk, laugh, fuck, cuddle, we could talk about
anything, at any time, i could say anything. how often do
you feel that? no matter what it is you are thinking, you
can say it to this person and they will still love you,
probably still love you even more. so he fucked the
desperate horniness out of me, and left me feeling sad that
we can't be together. and i know there is something inside
the both of us that wants to get back together, and there is
a bigger part that knows it just wont work. and a bigger
part in me that knows i dont want that life, living with an
alcoholic, even though its him, my dream guy.
so thats that.
im also afraid im not gonna be able to find such a durable
man. im a sexually demanding woman. i was deprived of sex
for 22 years and will spend the rest of my existence making
it up.
i''ll have to fall in love again. we know how rare that is.
so theres this war going on. i dont want to know, and keep
shutting off the tv. just dont want to know.
makes me so upset, people dying.
i will now make myself a so co drink of some sort, and take
this edge off. i get edgy at night, and this is what makes
me want to down drinks and smoke ciggatettes. when i used to
use the edginess and write. when i get more comfortabl in my
apartment, and with myself, i believe i will get back to it.
have to learn to not beat myself up.
try to only listen to the nice inner voice.

i saw les mis the other night:
to love another person is to see the face of god
another day, another destiny
keep saying that to yourself