forever changing
2003-03-21 01:51:06 (UTC)

i give up

i figured it out and it ends with tears in my eyes. matt
has been really distant lately and i found out why after
second period. he is "not ready for a relationship right
now" and "maybe we can resume later." right whatever but he
made sure that he told me that it was nothing that i did!
right like i would beleive that i never beleive that it's
not my style. at lunch i was really quiet then david came
and sat next to me and asked me what was wrong and then
figured it out on his own when all i did was look at matt.
then he tried to make me smile which worked once or twice
but then at one point i just curled into a ball and cried
at first i didn't want matt to see me cry i didn't want him
to know that i loved him that much so i hid my face from
him and then i didn't care i just layed there crying then
tessa came over and tried to cheer me up and then david
came over and he did cheer me up at least a lil bit and i
felt a lil better for a while. i went over to ashley's for
a while after school and we were in her room i broke down
and cried then she told me to just scream and i did and i
had no clue i could scream that loud. her brother and his
lil friend came walking in and looked at me very strangely.
we basically chowed on crap food and listened to angry
music. on the bus ride home the boy in front of me was
being a total prick and would not roll up his friggen
window so i told him he was a prick and he told me to fuck
myself so i told him fuck yourself trust me your cheaper
and he just glared at me. when he got off the bus i slammed
his window up and said prick really loud then he just
yelled bitch so i yelled fuck off and sat back down.then
these people on the bus were talking about judging people
and what they were wearing and they had no clue what they
were talking about so they kept saying basically the same
thing over and over only progressivly getting louder so i
finally turned around and kind yelled "who friggen cares
what the hell they are wearing as long as it makes them
happy thats all that matters so please SHUT UP!!! then a
bunch of people started clapping and i sunk down in my
seat. i also wrote a poem on the way home then i started
crying (i did that a lot today) but that wasat the beging
of the ride and i haven't titled it but this is how it goes:

i felt that we were drifting
and now your gone
too good to last
everything good must end
at least for me
you taught me i could love
with the entirerty of my heart
but you have also taught me
with this love coes pain
almost more than i can bare
i have never loved someone
as i love you
and i thought you loved me too
but now you tell me
your not ready for a relationship
not ready for my love
but it's too late
my love is yours
my fragile heart brets slowly
in your hands
and now it has slipped
like a glass of cheap wine
crashing to the floor
easy for you to replace
but for me
that was all i had
soaking into the hems of your pants
and the soals of your feet
a subtle reminder of what you had
we had
i lost

i told my mom what happened and i talk to her sometimes so
she knows the gist of my life, well at least parts of it,
and when we were talking today she was telling me i should
wait a while before i have another b/f and all this stuff
and she knows about david telling me that he still likes me
and that i never thought about it (but i never told her
about the poem i wrote to him) and she told me that i
shouldn't go back to david or anything not because of
rebound type thigs but because one of my friends that she
knows likes him right now and because she has never had a
b/f and she is not exactly the girly type or any of that
and because she really likes him i wouldn't try to pursue
anything with him just because i cannot knowingly step
infront of one of my friends when they like someone,
especially not her. so basically today has not been the
best day. it was full of pricks and heart ache and i give
up on love altogether well at least romantic love and at
least for a while it takes to much out of me when i am left
broken and i don't want to be left broken hearted for
awhile, but i did realize that my friends are there for me
and i love them all. and if any of you actually do find
this especially david zoe ashley tessa and whoever else
tried to cheer me up thoughi can't think right now I LOVE
YOU GUYS AND THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!