Cindysioux

~My Life as a Fat Chick~
2003-03-20 18:26:57 (UTC)

my life and ther frustrations there in

I know allot of the nation is buried under snow but here
in Oregon the sun is out today and I feel a ton of weight
has been lifted off my shoulders. The gray rainy days of
winter really wear on me. I have been so tired lately. I
am not having headaches as long as I continue to take a
prescription anti inflammatory medicine. after 24
consecutive days of headache/migraine I was thankful to be
rid of the pain, however as of my last experiment w/ "lets
stop taking the pills and see what happens" My headache
comes back. My doctor is still on Vacation, although I have
a scheduled appointment with her next week I find myself
extremely anxious, frustrated and depressed.

To further complicate my life my boyfriend has been out of
town for a full 20 days and my contact with him has
seriously been curtailed.

My father who recently started a 12 step program relapsed
and asked me to be his *buddy* in that he call me when he
feels like drinking and even though I tried hard to set
boundaries and told him " I don't feel this is a healthy
relationship for us to have" He just walked all over that
and went into his whole I hate my life and this is why I
need a drink schpeal, same one I have heard over and over
again.................. I am his daughter, not his friend.
He is my father and I love him dearly but I do not have the
emotional fortitude to make him sober, in fact I can't make
him sober, I can't do this for him and I can't fix him. (
My therapist spilling from my mouth) Oh yeah and I started
therapy again on the insistences of my doctor as my
*headache* came on the on slot of his attempt at sobriety (
I guess having your father sober up after 35 years 29 of
which you shared with him is a reason for great mental
anxiety/anguish and frustration)

I also had coffee with my brother who hasn't talked to me
in 4 years. He walked away from our toxic family when he
had kids of his own....I envy him he is so grown up I was
impressed with his emotional maturity. He got away and I
think he is the better for it. But I stayed and in doing so
I was guilty by association and not worthy of his time for
fear it would open a door. I refused to abandon my family
there not perfect but they lived me for me and as imperfect
as they are both my parents would do anything for me.

Oh and I did my taxes and I owe over 700.00 bucks that is
seven hundred dollars I do not have.

Oh that and apparently we are at war, stress who has
stress........................... I want to retreat to the
sanctity of my home, I don't want to leave. I don't have
that option I HAVE to work!!!!

But hey the sun is out, today and for today I am ok, at
work with a plastic smile and big earrings doing as they
say in AA "faking it till I make it". It's Thursday and
today my hunny comes home, it's almost the weekend all of
which I get to spend with Eric. I am getting caller ID so I
can choose when to talk to my family ( father) and it's
only money. As for my health I hope it's all just a simple
matter at least I know I don't have a brain tumor or
TMJ...............




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