Digital Hippy

One Thing 'Bout Music When It Hits Y
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2003-03-19 04:57:10 (UTC)

thinking...

Raven-
Time ticks on and i got like 200 things reminding me
that i haven't updated my diary since nam. I finally got
a free minute and i figured i may aswell. I could use
getting a few thoughts down on... the world wide web.
Things have been rocky with Jason. he was starting to
take advantage of all of the things that i was doing for
him. I seriously would do anything for him and i love him
to pieces, but its things like me making 2 drives to
reading in 1 night for him to go to work the next day...
only for him to skip work that pisses me off. Its those
days when i see him walking down the highway cuz sitting
beside me in my car would be that awful that make me
wonder if we really are ment to be together. All this
rushed through my head. I had had it. We took a break...
a complete 3 weeks of no talking... until i got back from
the bahamas, with the exception of a quick visit in which
no words of significance were exchanged.
I went to freeport with my roomate erin. I had a
variety of breakthroughs while i was in the bahama's and i
feel it necessary to document them while the memories are
fresh. A general synopsis of the trip included
snorkeling, lots of drinking, meeting a lot of people,
beach, tans, smoking bahimian pot etc. During this 5
nights and 6 days in paradise, i managed to hook up with 9
different guys. I didn't do it to hurt him. I didn't do
it to try to start something with any of them. I was
offered many e-mails and #'s and i didn't accept a single
one. I did it to renew my faith that i am not married and
i am a sexual human being that can be attractive and relax
and be carefree. None of these kisses had any feelings.
I didn't have a single desire to be with the canadian that
slept in my bed either. I didn't want him to be my
boyfriend. I didn't even want to be his friend. I just
did it because i could. Nobody was going to scold me.
My escapades in the Bahamas actually reassured me that
Jason and I are too close for me to give up now. I am
trying to slow down in my flirtatious manner to meet other
guys. In contemplation, i realized that in my life, when
something goes wrong, or the stars align and everything is
perfect, there is a circle of people that i call and
tell. I know these people will listen. These people care
about me and will do anything for me. I would do anything
for these people. I do not have a single best friend...
instead i am lucky enough to have several. For a while,
Maurese was my best friend and everybody else paled in
comparison, but now i realize that what we had was more
lust then real love. I still would do anything for him,
but that is not true. I realize the same thing about
Andrew. Again, i would do anything for him, but he is not
a true friend. I feel like he is always trying to impress
somebody.
I realize that i have some kickass friends though...
and Jason is among them. Not like other boyfriends i have
had that i am close with. He and i are the exact same
person with enough differences to give us something to
talk about and stuff. He is one of my best friends. Erin
is one of my best friends, August is one too. Jake is one
of my best friends, though i am not completly sure about
the car scenario, i really don't care anymore. Liam is
one of my best friends, Carolyn and i are becomming close,
but i am not ready to call her a best friend yet. Best
friends are people that even if you haven't spoken in
years, you still think about all the time and you would
still do anything for them if they fell back into your
life in need. Ashley is one of my best friends even
though we grew apart. Shes an awesome person.
Another Bahemian innovation i concluded is that i
think there is something seriously medically wrong with
me. I worry about my weight like a diabetic worrys about
their blood sugar. I tweak for 3 weeks straight, and i
still don't see myself as beautiful, or even pretty or
cute or something. I am pretty damn lucky that i know i
am a cool person to talk to because besides my
personality, i really don't have much. Maybe a thyroid
condition or a metabolism issue or something, but I ate so
much less then Erin and so much healthier and she is a
twig and i am a log. I don't get it. It pisses me off.
Not at her, just in general at how unfair the world is.
I also realized that i have a really fucking kewl
life. I may be buisy every fucking second of every day,
but overall, i am going to be going somewhere in life and
that delights me so much. I have never really worked
a "normal boring" job. I mean i have, but not for long.
Normal jobs include Dairy Queen, Old Navy, and Bentleys,
but besides that i can name several supercool jobs: Tookie
Tookie bird, Y100, Motion promoter, Sobe promoter, Ovum
Records street team, Tweeter Center, birthday parties,
oldtime photography on the boardwalk, etc. No matter what
job i have, i have found the answer to what i want to do
when i get older. The one thing that i do when nobody
else is paying me. The thing i do graciously that i could
be getting paid for... the thing i like to do even if it
isn't a designated job. I like to promote. I figure that
i steer towards music related promotions, but its
promoting that i like. I like opening peoples eyes to a
cool new noun. This means that i am in the perfect
major. I could be in the promotions department of a radio
station, a tv station, a product, a hotel, a vacation
destination etc. I don't have to be the person handing
stuff out personally, but i like to promote stuff in
general. I am going to follow this lead... at least for a
while. I also am smart. Lots of party kids who party all
the time and put studying second are really fucking dumb,
but i am not. I have street smarts and book smarts. When
i put my mind to something, it will happen. Sick amounts
of determiniation. I get to travel all over the fucking
place. Thats pretty kewl. I love to travel. I could
travel in promotions. I don't want it to rule my life,
but a little travel here and there never killed anybody.
I am not a mean person... i fight through guilt instead of
anger. It impacts people more. I have this supercool car
and awesome and fun parents... I am a genuinely
reasonable and nice person. I really don't have bad
intentions for anybody. I am a leader, not a follower,
and all in all i would want to be my friend. I just
wouldn't want to be my girlfriend cuz i am fucking ugly.
I also came to the conclusion that i really like to
learn. I like this communications theory class that i
have right now. I like learning about the little quarks
that make people tick. I like knowing what people think
and how they make decisions.
So yeah i guess that is my recent thought process. I
am on a mission to lose some weight... and relax. I
realized that i am so highstrung that i don't even
remember how to relax. I had to relearn it in the bahamas
and now that erin left me, i am here by myself trying to
relearn it. Now i remember though. Relaxing is writing.
Hopefully i will be relaxing again soon. Till next sign...
Lauren


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