2003-03-19 02:47:49 (UTC)

just cos you feel it doesnt mean its there

depression is still an unbearable constant in my life.
nothing has changed, every attempt to resurrect my soul has
failed. maybe it is just a chemical imbalance. maybe i
should just take the pills. i wonder if it would better
than this. or maybe it would just be the equivalent of
shock therapy. i should probably first try marijuana or
some sort of drug, doctors would never release any info
about positive effects of drugs anyway, so there is a
likely chance they could help. self mutilation isn't
helping much. my heart's not into it. i did cry a bit this
weekend, mostly after reading some stuff about suicide.
that always gets me. especially suicide notes. because i
know exactly how it feels. i can comprehend their mind just
before they kill themselves. and i know that im going to
feel that way too, and perhaps get the same results. life
would be easier if we just had a purpose. make the world a
better place? how. thats a very difficult mission. in fact,
its somewhat impossible. everyone has a different idea of
whats good or not, a different code or morality altogether.
if i try to do one thing helpful, someone will think its
bad. if i just try to please the majority, i wont be able
to ignore those that im killing. maybe im just scared to
know the truth. maybe this depression and paranoia and
schizophrenia is just a trick by my subconscious since it
doesnt want to do any work. i really dont want to write