pandora

pandoras box (the life of me)
2003-03-19 00:49:08 (UTC)

the good (and bad) old days *part 2*

after the overdose, i was sent to a shrink. it was the
most imbarrising thing i had to do, knowing that i was
such a weak person that i tried to end it all. the shrink
didn't help much all her talk of you should embrace life
and not let things get to you. she wanted to put me on
some anti-depressents but i refused. i thought whats the
point of taking a pill to make me feel something i
obviously didn't want to feel, happy!
so after the o.d i went back to school with a new
preception on life i knew i wasn't affraid of dying and
that these bitches would pay for making my life a living
hell. i donned the black makeup and had bright red streaks
pulled through my hair, found the most gothic clothes i
had and went back to face my fears.
i walked into school and they laughted so i laughed right
back at them i sat alone and waited... nothing lunch time
came i went to the cafetiria to get my food and there they
were so i went over and sat at the table next to theres.
while i ate i stared at them and they kept looking at me.
i just stared and stared... nothing.
so i basically thought well they had given up. how WRONG
can one person be?
end bell rang and i was walking through the halls and then
out the corner of my eye i spotted one of them then the
other side was another... i was shitting myself but held
my head high and carried on walking... they followed and i
stopped dead in my tracks turned round and said 'WHAT THE
FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?' they were quite shocked and one
said 'look miss vampirelle has a mouth' they laughed i
just stared blankly. 'think we should shut it for her'
said another. they move towards me. i stood still.
i don't know where the strenght came from but i punched
one of them in the mouth and knocked her flying. the other
2 jumped me. i bit one and pulled her to the floor by her
hair and started kicking her. then i turned on the other
one and head butted her (my garndad always tought me to
fight with my head as he did) after that i picked my bag
up and walked off. next day one girl came over to me and
said 'you wait till end of school im gonna fuck you up'i
looked and laughed in her face then took my pen what i was
writing with and stabbed her threw her hand as she was
screaming i said to her quietly but firmly 'im sick of
your shit you want me come take me!' she ran off. i got
susspended for 3 weeks. like i gave a fuck! when i came
back no one wanted to know me. and the girls that made my
life hell. were now scared of me.
im not proud of beating the fucking whoring bitches up but
sometimes necessity takes over and you cant take it and
you just snap... i snapped.

i remember my first day at collage, i love it so much
finally fitting in again. now most of the kids that
laughed at my clothes and makeup were wearing it. i made
frinds with ray my best friend who i would die for. pity
hes gay lol. but it was a diffrent world no bitching or
bullying. i was really settling down. then i left stupid
bitch that i am... to get a job in a washing line factory
(dont ask) i guess i just liked the monies, ray came too
and we worked together for 4 mnts then we got laid off coz
production had slowed and it was last in first out
principal. so i was forced to go on state benifit! i hated
it.
at 17 i had a huge row with my mother (god knows i love
her but sometimes we just dont see eye to eye)
i moved out into a hostle for young ppl.
only thing was it was a christian hostle. i dont get on
well with god as you proberbly worked out and i hated it
there. the people were so smily happy and joyus and i was
depressed suisidal and miserable. but eventually i got
close to one of the support staff there and we became good
friends, this is for ellen thankyou for helping me in was
you don't even know you did. having someone to talk to me
made my life that little bit lighter i thankyou from the
bottom of my soul and am glad your in my life :*
after living in the hostle for 6 months i got a flat in
the bromford area of birmingham. i loved that flat and i
decorated it and i was happy there... for a while...
then i got a job. i couldn't afford to keep it on the rent
was £58 a week and as i was only picking up £128 a week it
was impossible to manage. i mean theres electric, gas,
food, travel expences etc... so i moved back to my moms.
it was a tragic day...
i would like to say now that if it wasnt for a very good
friend of mine that helped me through it i would have
proberbly cracked up... julie (princess) i love you more
that you know... your a true friend and in this cruel
world you have to hang on to true friends coz they are
hard to find. and im hanging on to you if you like it or
not...
now lets see... where do we go from here...
balimia, depression... business failure and now i work in
a shop and a pub i am always tired and rarely happy unless
i am with my friends or online chatting to my online
friends...
anyway thats more about me hope it wasnt too boreing

pandy xx




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