squirrelbarbie

I Think I am so Strange
2003-03-18 09:54:50 (UTC)

March 18th 2003

I just feel like writing. There isnt that much to say
however. I'm doing well. I feel strong, and I feel
somehow wiser. Of course I still miss tim, and thoughts of
him still occupy my mind far too often. But, it's to be
expected. I've tried getting myself in the mind set that I
can date again. I went on one date about a month ago...
possibly the most horrific date ever. The guy was nice...
tooo nice. I don't want any kind of romantic anything. I
swore to god if he told me I was beautiful one more time,
I'd kill him. The last thing I want is any kind of
adoration or special attention... all i want is to keep my
mind off Tim. I don't want to know what he is doing or who
he's with. I can drive myself crazy like that. So I havnt
gone on anymore dates. I've given my number to a few
different guys... and then I never answer the phone when
they call, and I dont return their calls. It's so messed
up. I just can't see myself even going out with them.
Besides that- all the sudden, North Carolina suddenly
contains NO attractive single males. I cannot explain my
frustration with this. I went to the beach for spring
break... with lisa & jim, and kelly & kevin.... i had far
too much time to think about what I was missing out on. I
stand by my idea that I should be alone though. I am still
struggling, and it's not fair to me- and certainly not
anyone else- for me to settle for someone's company. If I
tried seeing someone, I would just be thinking of Tim, adn
thats just wrong. I dont' even want to put myself thru
that drama. I just need time, a few more months and maybe
I could be back in the swing of things. Other than that-
it's been quite funny to PRETEND to be back to my old
self... the one that could pick up a guy wherever I went...
and would manipulate any guy to get things. They call me
madskills.. it's true- I'm a natural at playing the field.
It's fun... but that is all it is. I almost wish I could
bring myself to have sex with someone. I'm in need of it.
But, I can't. I kissed ONE person- how crazy is that, just
ONE.... and I hated it. I feel comfortable hanging out
with a guy, but I just cant go past that. I dont know
why. It pisses me off almost. I just get this feeling that
I dont want to and it is over for them. I wonder what Tim
is doing- if he has been with anyone.. but honestly, I dont
want to know the answer to that. If he hasnt, it's only
becuase he's dealing with the same shit I am.... and if he
has, then he simply deals with it differently. Either way,
it's best just not to know. I try not to think about it.
GOD, now that would piss me off if I found out he had. I
wouldnt have a right to be angry, but I would be. I just
hope that this was right for him.. because if it wasnt, I
dont know that he would realize it. He's got it all worked
out in his head... he's stubborn as hell.... if it was
better for things to be the way they used to be with us-
he'd never come to terms with that now...he's allready made
up his mind that that just isnt good for him. It's almost
funny...




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