blueswede

maybe i'll just fold at this point

So I'm back to college after a week of Spring Break, and I'm
quite well-rested now, though I'm still not looking forward
to a return to class.

I did see my friend over break, which was quite nice. She's
currently seeing someone, however, rendering any interest I
may have in pursuing a relationship with her completely null
and void. But I was glad to see her, and I'm happy that we
are keeping in touch again. My discovery was perhaps a bit
disappointing, but hey, I'm happy for her. C'est la vie.

I came to an interesting conclusion that night while trying
to get to sleep: I'm pretty much out of moves now. It seems
like I'm playing a card game against Life or Reality or The
World or whatever you want to call it, and I've played all
my cards. Now the game can't progress until Fate makes his
move, but he's being a dick and won't go ahead and discard.

I'm being a bit obtuse, so I'll clarify as best I can. I'm
using the term "moves" to denote any proactive steps I can
take to better my life. Right now all I have remaining are
reactive maneuvers, such as responding to Life's "More Damn
Work to Do" card with a "Shoulder to the Wheel, Nose to the
Grindstone" card. I use the card game metaphor because it
makes the situation a little easier to relate to.

But anyway, I have basically nothing left to play until Life
decides to quit being a dick and end his turn so that I can
draw again. Until then, I'm stuck just plugging away.

It's kind of a weird feeling, being in a situation like this
one. Usually in the past, I've had some kind of attraction
to or romantic interest in at least one of the girls I know,
and now that's just not there. In some sense I feel a bit
unmotivated and without direction, because now I have no one
to impress, no one who makes me feel motivated to correct my
glaring flaws, no one to make my case to. Right now, I am
accountable to no one other than myself, my parents, and of
course the law (and I don't even care about copyright).

So to celebrate my lack of direction (at least for the next
couple of days), I've sunk into my own special brand of
hedonism, and I'm consuming some very excellent alcoholic
beverages and eating too much. Just like always, eh?

The only difference is that this time I'm also struggling to
hold on to my will to live. Having no end goal can do that
to a guy.

This is Dave, signing off to continue drowning his sorrows.