insecurity

Dealing with Me
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2003-03-15 13:42:55 (UTC)

Popularity

i feel like such a loser...this stupid pig is only talking
to me because of his problems with him and charlene. and
just because i'm NOT one of "wonderful" charlene's
friends, he stops talking? why are people like that? when
will they realise it doesn't matter whose friends you are
but who you really are. i want to be known as myself, not
as "so-and-so's friend" or "her neighbour". nobody else
wants to talk to me at the moment, and all of a sudden
even my MSN nickname that i thought was soooo cool 5 mins
ago looks so loser-ish. even the fucking computer games
won't load and i lose the games that actually CAN load
easily. why am i made to be a born loser? someone so
imperfect?

take amanda for example, she's pretty, skinny, very smart
and popular. she's got everything going for her. but she's
snobbish. i'm not good enough to be her friend. a lot of
people aren't good enough to be her friend but she's still
popular. why are all the popular people so bitchy and two-
faced? while little old me goes around helping people with
their homework and really discussing things with people
and mixing around as best i can but i don't get any
popularity. actually, only about one-third of the class is
popular. the rest of us aren't popular but most of us
don't like them. who really determines who's popular and
who'se not anyway? it doesn't make sense.

popularity i suppose is not how many people you know, it's
who you know and how many of those who-you-know people you
are good friends with. plus how well-known you are around
the school. i have spent seven years with the majority of
the people in this level. and still nobody knows who i am.
even if i were their ex-classmate i doubt they would
remember me. bitch-dalvin however, has only been here for
one year and almost everyone knows her. what the fuck? she
doesn't even deserve all this attention, she's so fuckin
two-faced. i made her popular. i started hanging out with
her. and the moment she became more popular, she started
to dump me. she's so cunning and crafty. she didn't dump
me on the spot because that would have just killed her
popularity. no, she gradually stopped hanging out with me
and finally just stopped. kaput. what was once a well-
known and beautiful friendship is over. it was never
really there anyway. all lies. in the beginning stage, she
would avoid me during lunch and now, she flaunts her new-
found popularity in front of the whole school. hanging out
with her brand-new group of friends who are much more
deserving of her than i am.

if i had to be two-faced and bitchy and a total fucking
jerk to everyone just to be popular, forget it. what's the
point in being popular when the popularity you have is
that everyone hates you and only the people who will get
you into trouble are your friend? people just don't
realise that when all these things are stripped away and
when the popular people are left all alone with the rest
of us, they'll pretend to BE like us just so they will be
liked. if this is what it takes to be popular, i'd rather
be unknown that be infamous.


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