Dr Cats

today is the greatest day
2003-03-15 11:18:44 (UTC)

The Ides of March

Today is the Ides of march, which is Shakespeare nerd
language for the 15th of March. In 'Julius Caesaer', Caesar
is warned by a soothsayer at the start of the play "Caesar!
Beware the Ides of March!" This is becasue in the play
Caesar is killed on the fifteenth of March.. stabbed to
death in the back by all his greatest friends... hmmm...
True story... I think. Today is the 15th of March, also
what would have been the 6-month aniversarry of me and
Gabrielle. I find as i decend into this state in myself in
which all my most inner feelings are bottled inside of me
that I am going a little bit crazy. I am acting so
eccentric..like a full weirdo.. and I find myself just
laughing some times for no reason and then every now and
then I'll brake out crying. There is so much inside of me
that can not come out. I need to find a new way for me to
feel something.. cos this numbness is driving me insane.. I
swear.. I might be over-reacting.. I have no idea. How can
a crazy person know that they are going crazy anyway.. I'm
just a tockley. The St Patricks day parade was on today.. I
would have loved to go. (once again I find myself
thinking "why?") why would I want to go to some crap-arse
St Patrick's day parade?... I'm just going crazy.. I have
all these bloody ridiculous desires... At times I feel huge
angre.. at times I feel tottally soft..like a teddy bear.
Hmmm am I making sense in this shit? My Brother is
watching Pulp Fiction... ver cool. I was just listening to
Jeff Buckley - Last Kiss Goodnight... Once again..why am I
bothering to write down the name of the song I am listening
to? Is it because the ammount of time that I spend typing
this crap into this long paragraph of nothing the less time
it means that i have to dwell on the fact that I'm
invisible. WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT? I think I might go read
some more..finish my novel off... Or I could wait on-line
until Gab comes back on so for no reason at all I can
remind her of the date and what it could have meant for
both of us so that we can both reflect in an awkward moment
of cyber-space. It's all so pointless to remember.. to hurt
myself by trying to grasp onto the beautiful thing that we
once had... only to look up and find that it's
dissapeared.. only I already have found that.. I just love
to torture myself by reminding my heart that I am dead in a
few places. What a sad thing I am.. the thing is.. I don't
even feel sad... I feel to much nothingness for sadness to
be able to creep back in.. I need to write a play. I
propose that I will stay up all night (or maybe for just as
long as it takes) and write a play tonight. haha.. don't
hold me to that. (who am I talking to?) Leave me alone!

(5 mins later)

I just read over this entry.. wat a load of crap. I can't
even remember if all of it.. some of it.. or any of it is
really sincere. All things aside from this diary entry let
me just outlay the truth of it all. I AM CONFUSED. hooray.
(for some reason I'm smiling.. 10 mins ago I wanted to cry)