Ode to a psycho!HA!
2003-03-15 06:00:32 (UTC)

I didn't even place

Miss Fletcher is over. Finally! It was a big let down. I won
a Camillia petal, and I'm happy about that, but I didn't even
place. I wasn't really sad that the girl who won, won, after
all, who can beat a 5'5" size 0 who has wealthy parents and
no IQ. Man, who can compete with that! I'm not really sure
wether I was upset that she won, or if I'm upset that I
didn't even place.
For me, the miss pageant was really, sort of a test. I
wanted to at least place so bad. I know it really shouldn't
matter, but for me, it was really about proving something.
Wether I was trying to prove something to me, or the rest of
the school, or wether I was trying to oprove something to me
and the rest of the school, and I'm not even really sure if
I passed. A Camillia petal really gets to do more than the
finalists, we ride in a float wering ballgowns, and our
pictures in the paper, and we supposedly all have to compete
in another pageant. The petals are also traditionally some of
the most beautiful girls in the pageant, or so I've been
told. But I didn't even place. I think I was trying to prove
to myself that I really am pretty, and talented. And If I
placed that would prove it to me, and I could relax a little
about it, and it would show all of those other son of a bitch
people, Hey! look at me! I am not nothing! I really don't
care about the other people. But I was a let down to myself.
I mean, I didn't even place, you know.
Sure I waited till I was home, alone in my room
pretending ot be asleep before I cried. It felt so good to
cry. It's as if I'd been holding it in for sooo long it just
had to come out, or I would positively explode. My mother
kept telling me she understood if I was disappointed, and
that I had fun doing the pageant, and that's all that
mattered. But, you know what? I didn't have fun, and she
didn't understand why I wasn't all chipper and talkitive. My
self esteem was ripped out, tenderizzed with a rusty hammer,
and thrown like a slab of meat against the wall. No person in
the right state of mind would have been chipper. I was let
down so hard, beccause I was stupid enough to think that I
actually had a chance. It was very much a reflief to have it
over. No one came to see me, except my parents. I was all
alone, and when the other girls went to a party at some guys
beach house until ungodly hour of the morning, I came home,
and felt the layeers of mascara trickle down me cheeks. Sure
I put on a happy face and pretend that everything went great.
But inside I'm really let down with myself, and I didn't even
place. I'll write more later.